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Best Plays and Dialogues 


From Book of Maxims 


SPEAK CLEARLY IF YOU SPEAK AT ALL , 
CARVE EVERY WORD BEFORE YOU LET 
IT FALL 

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He's Not the Worst Boy in the World 
From Play (Some Differences of Opinion) A Rhyming Dialogue 




DENTON S aw 

BEST PLAYS 

AND 

DIALOGUES 

1 THE HAPPY BOOK of STABELANp] 

Ljriit EH bij 

tH CLARA J. DENTON 

Author aF New Program Book,Little. 
Actors Plaijs ; Bu5Lj Little Birds , etc 


ILLUSTRATED BY 

MARtJORIE HOIaJE DIXON 

A zfust Right Book 

PUBLISHCD BY 

ALBERT WHITMAN COMPANY 

CHICAGO U. S. A. 





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DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 
Copyright 1925 

ALBERT WHITMAN COMPANY 
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 


Note—This Book of Plays and Special Dialogues is Primarily 
Staged for the Older Play-Actors 


Other Read and Do Enter¬ 
tainment Books 


THE TITLES 


By Carolyn Sherwin Bailey 

All the Year Play Games 
In and Out-of-Door Play 
Games 


By Laura Rountree Smith 

The Party Twins and Their 
Forty Parties, Plays and 
Games 


By Cobb X. Shinn 

Easy Drawing- Primer 
Fun Artists Picture Show 
Book 

Busy Fingers Drawing 
Primer 


All the above titles will aid 
in children’s entertainments 


Each Book at 60 c 


_ 

May lend thee light, as thou dost lend to others. 

—Quotation from Shakespeare. 


A “JUST RIGHT” BOOK 
MADE IN THE U. S. A. 


DEC 19’25 
















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FOREWORD 


Good plays (and special dialogues) that are entirely 
new and consistent with common sense arid good humor 
are rare. 

In this hook of Denton s Plays and Dialogues there is 
a quality of original construction that will give great 
delight and entertainment to both the players and the 
audiences throughout the performance. 

There is a charm in each offering that will impress 
all hearers with this writer s portrayal. 

The new hook of plays and dialogues for all ages. 








THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOOK 

(The Plays) 

PAGE 

The Revelation (a Playlet for Three Women 


and One Man). 15 

The Queer People (a Playlet for Two Female 
and Two Male Characters). 33 

The Burglars (a Farce in One Act, for Six Girls 
or Women). 45 

We Few, We Happy Few (a Shakespearean Med¬ 
ley in One Act, for 31 Female Characters and 
as Many Fairies as Desired). 83 

How the Bag Was Mended (a One-Act Farce, 
for Two Male and One Female Characters) ... 113 

When Father Was Left to Himself (a Play 
in One Act, for Two Female, Two Male and 
One Boy with Speaking Parts). 139 

All Is Fair in Love (a Play in Two Acts, Two 

Female and Three Male Characters). 139 

(Continued on Next Page ) 










































































































































































































>1 










V 






































































































THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOOK—Continued 


(The Dialogues) 

page 

Mr. Thorpe's Conversion (a Farce in One Act, 
Four Females and One Male Character). 183 

Some Differences of Opinion (a Rhymed Dia¬ 
logue for Four Women, One Girl and One 
Boy) . 20 7 

The Captain’s Wife (a Short Dialogue for 
Three Females). 217 

Tiie Shakespeare Class (a Dialogue for Seven 
Females) . 229 

The Charm (a Rhymed Dialogue for Two 
Females) . 249 


Special Explanatory Note for the Players 

The letters reading after the words Exit, Enter and Coming To,, 
mean stage approach—as R indicates Right, L indicates Left and 
F. C. indicates Full Center of Stage. 














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From Playlet (The Revelation) 




































































Blanche in Front of Mirror 
(The Revelation) 




THE REVELATION 

(A Playlet for Three Women and One Man.) 
Characters. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Mrs. Rood, her friend. 

Blanche Lawrence. 

Arthur Force, Mrs. Lawrence’s nephew. 


15 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


1 


Scene — Interior , Mirror up stage . 


Time — Present. 


Costumes —Ordinary suits 



16 






DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE REVELATION 



Mrs. Lawrence, Mrs. Rood and Blanche 
are discovered at rise, Mrs. Lawrence and Mrs. 
Rood busy with needle work, Blanche in front 
of mirror using powder puff, etc. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Where is Arthur? 

Blanche. 

Out on the porch waiting for me. Good by, 
mother dear, we’ll not be away long. (Kisses 
her-) Of course you’ll be here when we return, 
Mrs. Rood? 

Mrs. Rood. 

Well yes, I suppose so, if you don’t stay too 
long. 


17 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Blanche. 

O, you’ll hardly miss me before we’ll be back 
again, ta, ta. (Exits R .) 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Are you going out, Blanche? 

Blanche. 

Yes, mother dear, Arthur and I are going 
down to Ella’s to arrange about the tennis match 
which we are to play tomorrow. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

{Going to R . and looking out window.) 

They are certainly a handsome couple. {Sighs.) 

Mrs. Rood. 

Indeed they are, Mrs. Lawrence, I ran across 
them in the park, yesterday, and I wondered if 
you had noticed their attitude toward each other. 


18 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Lawrence. 

(Wringing her hands and crossing over.) 
Indeed I have, and I can’t tell you how it 
distresses me. 

Mrs. Rood. 

But, can’t you do anything? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Do! What in the world can I do? But, I 
must tell you, I foresaw it the moment they met. 
It was a clear case of love at first sight. 

Mrs. Rood. 

( Laughing •) 

O, I never believed in that. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Well, if you had seen their meeting you would 
have been a complete convert to that belief. 
But I always had so strong a belief that they 
19 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


would like each other if they met, that, had 
Arthur written me that he was coming I would 
have prevented it in some way, even if I had 
been forced to break up housekeeping for the 
summer. 

Mrs. Rood. 

Of course you can’t object to Arthur in any 
way except that he and Blanche are first cousins 4 ? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

That is all, but isn’t that enough? 

Mrs. Rood. 

But they can’t marry; first cousins are not al¬ 
lowed to marry in this state. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Dear me, you don’t suppose two determined 
young people will stop for that? In their eyes 
that is a very small obstacle. 


20 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Rood. 

Why, whatever do you mean, Mrs. Lawrence, 
surely they are not so foolish as to attempt to 
defy the law 1 ? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

That law doesn’t govern the whole United 
States, nor Canada. 

Mrs. Rood. 

O, Mrs. Lawrence, surely they would not go 
so far as that? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Well, I may as well tell you what is troubling 
me. I overheard them, this morning, planning 
to do that very thing. You know I have a sister 
in Toronto. She is also Arthur’s aunt and they 
are planning that Blanche is to inveigle me into 
letting her go there for a visit, and Arthur is to 
21 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


join her a few days later, and the marriage will 
take place there. 

Mrs. Rood. 

But what if your sister has scruples against 
cousins marrying as well as yourself? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Even so, she will not interfere; she is that 
kind of a woman. She’ll just tell them to go 
and make their own home and then not to com- 
complain if, later on, they find it is not a good 
one. 

Mrs. Rood. 

Too bad, can’t you write to her to forbid the 
marriage ? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

What good will that do? They are both of 
age. No, there is only one way out of it, a 
way which it breaks my heart to take. 


22 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 
Mrs. Rood. 

Well, I should think you’d take any way to 
prevent the marriage. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

I cannot prevent the marriage; I’m convinced 
that must go on, in spite of everything, but, at 
least, I can prevent a runaway marriage, although, 
as I said before, it breaks my heart to do it. 
Mrs. Rood. 

You are very mysterious, and I cannot see 
what you mean. But I hear them on the porch 
and I think I must go or my dinner will be late. 
(Rises.) 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Persuade Rlanche to walk a short distance 

with you, I want to talk with Arthur alone. 
Mrs. Rood. 

I will if I can. 

23 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Lawrence. 

And tell Arthur I want to see him alone a 
few moments. I must talk to him and I cannot 
do it if Blanche is present. 

Mrs. Rood. 

All right, I will tell Blanche that you want 
to talk to Arthur and then she will probably go 
a piece with me, but you must expect that what¬ 
ever you say to him will be passed on to her. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Yes, yes, I know it, and that is my greatest 
worry. 

Mrs. Rood. 

Well, good-bye, I will fulfill my mission faith¬ 
fully, and incidentally talk to Blanche against 
this marriage. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Don’t waste your breath on that preachment; 


24 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


it will do no good whatever. Good:bye, and 
come again soon. (Exit R.) I do hope she will 
let Blanche alone. I can see plainly that we 
might as well try to stop the onrushing of the 
ocean as to stop this match. But O, the dreadful 
task which is thereby imposed on me. (Rises 
and crosses over , Arthur enters R.) 

Arthur. 

(Coming down.) 

You seem greatly disturbed, Aunt Fannie (puts 
arm about waist), do you want to talk to me? 
Come sit down and let us be comfy while we 
talk. (Places chair.) 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

I cannot, Arthur, I cannot sit down. I have 
something to tell you which it breaks my heart 
to touch upon. 


25 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Arthur. 

O, I know what it is, Aunt Fannie, but don’t 
feel so upset over it; you have seen that Blanche 
and I are in love with each other, and you don t 
want us to marry because we are cousins, but 
you must overcome that silly prejudice, Aunt 
Fannie; lots of cousins marry and the marriages 
turn out all right. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

But, Arthur, you know the marriage of cousins 
is illegal in this state. 

Arthur. 

There are other states, Aunt Fannie. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

O, Arthur, what do you mean to do? Don’t 
commit any foolish act, which you will regret all 
your life. 


26 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Arthur. 

But, Aunt Fannie, if I don’t commit the act 
which you call foolish, that is something that I 
shall regret all my life. 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

(Pausing in front of him.) 

But, Arthur, you and Blanche are not the 
slightest relation. 

Arthur. 

(Throwing his arms around her.) 

Aunt Fannie, is this true 4 ? Can it be true'? 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

Solemnly true; I adopted Blanche when she 
was six months old. 


Arthur. 

And she doesn’t know 4 ? 


27 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Lawrence. 

No, I always intended to tell her, but could 
never get up sufficient courage, and now that I 
feel I must tell her, it is harder than it ever 
could have been at any other time. 

Arthur. 

But I’ll save you the painful task, I’ll tell 
her; think what this means to us! (Runs out R-) 

Mrs. Lawrence. 

How like a man! He thinks only of his own 
part in the news, and quite loses sight of the 
fact that Blanche may grieve to know that she 
is not my own daughter. How will she bear 
it? Will she turn against me because I have 
kept it from her all of these years, and cease 
to love me? Ah, that would be more than I 
could bear, but I hear them coming; manlike, 


28 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


he has made a short story of it; I cannot see 
Blanche now. (Exit L.) (Blanche and Arthur 
enter R. arm in arm-) 

Blanche. 

(In tears-) 

Where is my mother 4 ? I must find her, I can¬ 
not believe this dreadful news. 

Arthur. 

But, Blanche, do you forget? We can now 
be married at once and here in your own home; 
no need for scheming and contriving to get out 
of the state. I thought you would be so happy 
over it. 

Blanche. 

Don’t talk to me about it; I don’t want a hus¬ 
band if I have to lose my mother to get him. 


29 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Arthur. 

Blanche, don’t be childish; she is as much 
your mother as she ever was. Come, be sensible. 
(Opens his arms.) 

Blanche. 

No, I won’t. I want my mother, my dearest 
mother. (Exit L. weeping.) 

Arthur. 

(To audience •) 

Well, what do you think of that? But I 
suppose that’s the difference between a man and 
a woman, so I must be patient; my time will come 
yet. (Takes a newspaper from his pocket , un¬ 
folds it , seats himself and reads.) 

Curtain. 



30 






Where Is My Mothert 
(The Revelation) 




31 
































































































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DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE QUEER PEOPLE 
(A Playlet for Two Women and Two Men.) 

Characters. 

John, an old bachelor. 

Ann, his sister, a widow. 

Julia, a single lady, loved by John. 

Mr. Jones, a friend of Ann’s. 





33 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Ordinary home costumes . 


Scene —Comfortable living-room . 



34 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE QUEER PEOPLE 

John. 

(Discovered reading letter .) 

How provoking! This woman agreed to take 
a block of stock in the Multiple Reduction Co., 
and now she has backed straight out. Is there 
anything on earth so queer as a woman, any¬ 
way? 

Ann. 

(Entering L.) 

Yes, I know several things queerer than a 
woman. 

John. 

Gracious, I’d like to know what they are! 


35 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Ann. 

Well, look out the window there and you’ll 
see something. (John goes to L. of stage and 
looks off.) 

Ann. 

Do you see that old Plymouth Rock hen*? 
John. 

Yes, and I hear her cluck, too, but I don’t see 
any chickens. 

Ann. 

No, she hasn’t a chick and never will have; 
she has been sitting four weeks on four white 
door knobs. There she’s going back on her nest 
now, and she doesn’t seem to have the least no¬ 
tion that if they were eggs they would have been 
hatched long ago. Can you find anything queerer 
than that*? 


36 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


John. 

Well, that’s the female of it, don’t you see? 
We might as well say right out, all females of 
every kind and sort are queer. 

Ann. 

Well, even if that’s true, which I don’t admit 
for a minute, mind, I know something that’s 
queerer than all the queer females in the world. 

John. 

[Crossing over,) 

You do? Well, I’d just like to know what 
it is. It’s all right for you to talk in that gen¬ 
eral way, but just come right down to business 
and specialize. 

Ann. 

That I can tell in a minute; it’s an old bachelor. 

John. 

[Crossing over and back ?nuch excited.) 

37 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Just listen to that, just listen to that! Pretty 
kind of talk to the only relative you have in 
the world; old bachelor! Umph! just wish you 
were an old maid, so I could get back at you. 

Ann. 

Yes, but I forestalled you by getting married. 

John. 

Since that was your only motive, it proves 
you are queer, doesn’t it? 

Ann. 

Who said ’twas my only motive? 

John. 

Well, well, you are a widow now, and if you 
weren’t a little queer you’d surely get married 
again to one of these fine old fellows who are 
always coming around to see you. 

Ann. 

That would be the queerest thing of all. 

38 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


John. 

Well, you can’t prove that I’m queer, don’t I 
get up every morning and go to my office like a 
normal man? 

Ann. 

[Laughing.) 

Oh yes, but once in a while you forget to be 
normal, as you did last night when you stayed 
away till nine o’clock, and then finding every¬ 
body gone and your latch key in your trousers 
pocket, you stood there on the porch till after 
ten o’clock waiting for somebody to come home, 
when, if you had called on the policeman who 
strolls by here every hour, he would have let 
you in with his skeleton key. 

John. 

[Coaxingly .) 

Oh, come now, Ann, don’t twit on facts. 

39 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Ann. 

And then, night before last, you left the front 
door unlocked when we had all that interest 
money in the house. 

John. 

[Laughing.) 

Well, no one got the money, did they? 

Ann. 

It wasn’t your fault if they didn’t. But I’m 
just trying to show you that an old bachelor is 
the queerest thing in the world. 

John. 

Don’t you think I’d do queer things if I were 
married? 

Ann. 

Certainly not, a wife would keep you straight. 
John. 

O, well, I suppose I may as well tell you the 

truth, Ann; I’m in love. 

40 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Ann. 

{Laughing.) 

Is that so? That explains your queerness; an 
old bachelor in love is the limit of queerness. 
Who’s the lady? 

John. 

{Going to L. and looking off.) 

I see her on the porch now; the door is open 
and she is coming in. (Enter Julia L.) Julia, 
my sister says I’m queer because I’m an old 
bachelor, so won’t you marry me and cure all 
my queerness? 

Julia. 

I suppose this sudden proposal is a part of 
your queerness? 

Ann. 

And there comes Mr. Jones! Come right in, 


41 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Jones. (Enter Mr. Jones L.) I must tell 
you friends, yesterday I promised to marry Mr. 
Jones, so now who’s queer? 

Mr. Jones. 

Well, I know I’m not queer for wanting to 
marry Ann, for lots of other men have been in 
the same predicament. 

John. 

Hurry up Julia and say yes; if you don’t 
you’ll be the only queer one. 

Julia. 

O, my! that would be serious. Yes, yes, 
now who’s queer? 

John. 

No one, no one in the whole wide world. 

Ann. 

Except the Plymouth Rock hen. 

Curtain. 

42 





Except The Plymouth Rock Hen 
(The Queer People) 


43 

















DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



THE BURGLARS AT MRS. DAY’S. 

(A Farce in One Act, for Six Girls or Women.) 
Characters. 

Mesdames Arnold, Ellis, Collins, Foster and 
Day. Policeman—As this character has no lines 
and appears only at window at close of play, it 
can be taken by a woman. 



45 






DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Costumes — Mrs. Arnold , neat home dress; 
other ladies , street suits; they carry market bas¬ 
kets. Policeman , hat and coat of policeman s 
uniform. 


Scene — Home interior. Telephone up stage. 
Window same. Small table , F. C. 




46 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE BURGLARS AT MRS. DAY’S 

Jpora 

Mrs. Arnold. 

(Discovered at phone.) 

Mercy! You don’t mean it? Burglars? 
When? (Pause.) At your house? O, My! So 
near! What did they get? (Pause. Hangs up.) 
How utterly exasperating! (Comes down.) Just 
as she began to tell me all about it, too. I m 
afraid I’ll just die from curiosity. O, I know 
what I ll do \ this is market day, I didn t intend 
to go, but I will now. All of her neighbors will 
be there, and they will be sure to have all the 
details. (Goes up to window.) There is Mrs. 
Ellis now. (Beckons frantically.) Yes, she’s 
coming in. She lives next door to Mrs. Day and 
she’s sure to know all about it. She s the kind 


47 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


that always goes everywhere and knows every¬ 
thing that is going on from Dan to that other 
place. What is it now? Something about beer 
anyway. (Mrs. Ellis enters R .) O, Mrs. Ellis, 
good morning; awfully glad to see you. Of 
course you’ve heard the news? 

Mrs. Ellis. 

(Takes proffered chair.) 

Good morning. No, I haven’t heard anything 
startling. What is it? But I’ve seen the morn¬ 
ing paper, and saw about (mentions latest news). 

* 

Or is it that Miss-and Mr. - (mentions 

local people) have announced their engagement? 
Mrs. Arnold. 

O, no, nothing of that kind. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Well do let’s have it quick, you have me on the 

qui vive. 


48 






DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Arnold. 

Something dreadful has happened right near 
home. 

Mrs. Ellis. 


O, my! What is it, do tell me. 


Mrs. Arnold. 

Burglary! 

Mrs. Ellis. 

What, here 4 ? 

What did you lose? 


Mrs. Arnold. 

No, not here, 

but over on Seventh street. 


Mrs. Ellis. 

O, dear me! 

So near home; how dreadful 


Mrs. Arnold. 

[Going to window.) 

There is Mrs. Collins on her way to market. 
I ll call her in. (Repeats former business.) 


49 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Ellis. 

I hope she’ll come in; she always knows all 
the news there is going, and is perfectly willing 
to tell it. 

Mrs. Collins. 

[Entering right.) 

Dear me, what are you two women hatching 
lip now? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Nothing at all. I called you in to see if you 
knew anything about the burglary, but do sit 
down; you don’t need to be in such an awful 
rush. 

Mrs. Collins. 

Burglary? Where? When? (She sits.) Here? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

No, but over on Seventh street. 

Mrs. Collins. 

O. dear, that’s pretty near. I’ve been trying 

50 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


to make John buy a burglar alarm; maybe he’ll 
listen to me now. I should think you’d be 
nervous with all your diamonds right here in 
the house. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

So I am, and I mean to put them in the safety 
vault this very day, though I must say there 
isn’t any comfort in having diamonds, if you 
can’t have them where they are handy to wear 
when you want them. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Yes, I wouldn’t give much for diamonds if 
they had to be in the safety vault all the time. 

Mrs. Collins. 

But what did the burglars get? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

(Going to window.) 

That’s what I don’t know and I’m nearly burst- 


51 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


ing with curiosity. But there’s Mrs. Foster on 
her way to market. (Repeats former business .) 
Perhaps she can tell us all about it; she always 
knows everything that’s going on. 

Mrs. Collins. 

Yes, and does her best to keep it going on , too. 

Mrs. Foster. 

[Entering R.) 

Well, I declare, what are you folks up to 4 ? 
Having a party 4 ? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

A sort of one; we thought you ought to be 
in it. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Yes, if there is any fun around I like to be 
in it. 

Mrs. Collins. 

But sit down, Mrs. Foster, and if you know 


52 







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What Are You Folks Up To? 


Having a Party? 






















































































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


anything about that burglary last night, tell us 
what you know and be quick about it. 

Mrs. Foster. 

[Greatly excited.) 

Dear me, Mrs. Collins, a burglary, where? 
Flere? Lost your diamonds? Mrs. Arnold, I 
always told you you should not keep so many 
in the house. It’s just dreadful; why it’s enough 
to make a burglar out of every honest man, my 
husband says— 

Mrs. Collins. 

(Interrupting.) 

So it is, Mrs. Arnold. I never thought of it 
in that way before, don’t you see? If a man 
should come here and steal your diamonds, you’d 
be what the lawyers call “Accessory before the 
fact,” and maybe they’d arrest you as well as 
the burglar. 


54 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Arnold. 

[Jumping up.) 

O, dear me, Mrs. Collins, you are enough to 
scare a body to death, but I don’t believe they 
could do such a thing as that, do you think they 
could, Mrs. Ellis? 

Mrs. Ellis. 

I don’t know, I’m sure, but lawyers can do 
most anything these days. 

Mrs. Foster. 

That’s true, my husband has just— 

Mrs. Collins. 

{Interrupting.) 

I wouldn’t risk keeping my diamonds here an¬ 
other day, if I were you, Mrs. Arnold, when you 
know it is so easy to keep them where they are 
perfectly safe. 


55 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Ellis. 

Neither would I, Mrs. Arnold; it really seems 
to me to be tempting Providence, you know. 
Mrs. Arnold. 

But if my diamonds are going to be in the 
security vault all the time, I may as well give 
them to the bank and have done with it. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Of course, that’s so, but then what good will 
your diamonds do you if the burglars get them? 
Mrs. Foster. 

And then if you should get arrested too, you 
know, my husband— 

Mrs. Collins. 

[Interrupting.) 

Oh yes, dear Mrs. Arnold, do try to get those 
diamonds away from the house, because I’ve 

always heard that where there is one burglary 

56 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


there’s likely to be another soon in the same 


neighborhood. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Yes, go in pairs, so to speak, like mice. But 
where was the burglary? 


Mrs. Arnold. 

Mrs. Ellis. 
Mrs. Collins. 
[Together.) 


- On Seventh street. 


Mrs. Foster. 


But where on Seventh street? That’s a long 


street, you know; my hus— 

Mrs. Arnold. 

But this was right next your house, Mrs. Ellis. 
Mrs. Ellis. 

Oh no, it can’t be; I know everybody in our 
block; it’s a restricted neighborhood, you know, 
and I hadn’t heard a word of it till I came in 


here. 


57 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Collins. 

Well, if it is a restricted neighborhood, it isn’t 
restricted enough to keep the burglars away. 

Mrs. Foster. 

But do tell me, just where was the burglary? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

At Mrs. Day’s. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

What, the dressmaker? (Mrs. Arnold nods.) 

Mrs. Collins. 

Well, I never, Mrs. Day’s! 

Mrs. Foster. 

Are you sure about it, Mrs. Arnold? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Well, I guess so; Mrs. Day told me so herself, 
just a few moments ago. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

But I can’t see why a burglar should go to 
Mrs. Day’s. 


58 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Collins. 

Neither can I, for she hasn’t a thing any self- 
respecting burglar would take as a gift, not even 
a watch and chain, and as for money she has to 
spend it just as soon as she gets it, poor thing! 

Mrs. Foster. 

Well, she ought to have lots of money, the way 
she charges for every bit of sewing she does. My 
husband says— 

Mrs. Ellis. 

( Interrupting .) 

But we haven’t heard the most important part 
of the story yet, Mrs. Arnold. What did the 
burglars get at Mrs. Day’s"? I wouldn’t be afraid 
to stake all the money in my purse this minute 
that they didn’t get enough money to pay for 
the flashlight they used. 


59 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Arnold. 

I know it, and when a burglar starts out to 
burgle you wouldn’t think he’d pass by all those 
handsome residences on Seventh street and go 
into Mrs. Day’s little one-story cottage. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

No, he wasn’t a very observing burglar; if he 
had been he’d have meandered over here after 
that casket of diamonds; that’s what I’d do if 
I were a burglar. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

(Looking around frightened and speaking in stage 
whisper; going to window.) 

Oh, do keep still about my diamonds, there may 
be a burglar lurking around somewhere now. 

Mrs. Foster. 

But why don’t you go on with your story, 
Mrs. Arnold? What did the burglar get? 

60 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Arnold. 

You see, that’s what I don’t know. Just as 
Mrs. Day started to tell me all the particulars, 
she said she saw her best customer coming through 
the gate and so she hung up. 

Mrs. Foster. 

And so you were hung up. Now wasn’t that 
just like a woman? My husband says— 

Mrs. Ellis. 

( Interrupting.) 

But has anyone called up the police depart¬ 
ment? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Why no, what for? 

Mrs. Ellis. 

For police protection, of course. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

I suppose that would be a good idea. 

61 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Ellis. 

It’s the only safe thing now. There's no tell¬ 
ing who will be the next victim. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

O dear, I suppose I must take my diamonds 
down to the bank right off. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

But Mrs. Arnold, if you have fully decided 
to take your diamonds to the security box, won’t 
you let me see them now while I am here? 
The others, I presume, have seen them, but you 
know I have never laid my eyes on them since 
you fell heir to them. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

O, haven’t you? I thought all my friends 
had seen them. Well, excuse me a minute and 
I’ll go after them. I know they are perfectly 

safe here, though we mustn’t talk about them too 

62 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


loud; one never knows who may be hanging 
around. (Exit L.) 

Mrs. Collins. 

Well, I m going to call up the police depart¬ 
ment. I believe it is safer to be safe. (Goes to 
phone and takes down book.) Let me see, how 
does the alphabet run? That wasn’t taught to 
young people when I went to school. A-B-C-D- 
E-F-G—dear me, what is next? O, I know— 
H-I-J-K—but what does come after K? 

Mrs. Ellis. 

L-M-N-O. 

Mrs. Collins. 

Yes, yes, now I remember, P-Q-R. I always 
could get that combination. (Turns leaves of 
book rapidly .) But I always feel like tearing 
my hair when I have to get at this phone book. 

P-O-R-S, but if you’ll believe me, it isn’t in 

63 




DENTON'S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


this miserable old book at all. I always said this 
company wasn’t any good and you see they can t 
even get the names right in the phone book. Now 
doesn’t that prove they are just exactly no good 
at all? O here it is, in great big capital letters; 
no wonder I couldn’t see it. (Hangs up book 
and takes down receiver.) Main 231, please. 
(Pause.) There’s been a big burglary in this 
neighborhood, and— (pause). What neighbor¬ 
hood? Well, this is 3320 Western avenue. Mr. 
Arnold’s residence. If you’ll send someone out 
here we’ll give you full information. We can’t 
tell you over the wire because we don’t want it 
to get into the newspapers. This is a party line, 
and you know everybody “listens in” these days, 
so send someone out, and you’ll get all particu¬ 
lars. (Pause.) All right, thanks. (Hangs up, 


64 





65 











DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


and comes down just as Mrs. Arnold returns to 
room carrying jewel box.) 

Mrs. Collins. 

The superintendent says he will send a man 
right out to protect your house, so it looks as if 
the burglars will stay away from here. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

O, I am so glad. I didn’t suppose they would 
do that. 

Mrs. Collins. 

O, I knew they would; that’s why I called them. 
Once there was a burglary right next door to my 
house and they patroled the house for two weeks. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Of course, there wouldn’t be any burglars in 
a house when the policeman was going past the 
house all the time. My husband once— 


66 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 

Mrs. Collins. 

(. Interrupting .) 

Why they sent a man in plain clothes. He 
walked down on one side of the street and up 
on the other, just as if he were a private citizen 
on his way home. We didn’t even know which 
man he was until we got used to him, after 
awhile. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

How interesting. (Going to table at F. C. 
They all move forward after Mrs. Arnold 
speaks .) Well, here are my great diamonds; not 
so very much after all, you see, but still more 
than I should care to lose, although they didn’t 
cost me a cent, since they came to me from my 
maiden aunt. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

O, Mrs. Arnold, do tell us the story of each 
one. 

67 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Arnold. 

Their stories aren’t so very much. (Takes up 
pieces as she speaks of each one.) This buckle 
was worn on my great great grandfather’s shoe. 

Mrs. Foster. 

But did he wear only one? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

The story is that my great grandmother sold 
it when she was in sore need of money. 

Mrs. Foster. 

O, dear, what a pity; it’s a wonder she didn’t 
sell the other one too. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Well, I believe my great grandfather happened 
along about that time and married her. Very 
decent of him I am sure; and she was never in 
need again. This brooch and ear-rings were hers; 


68 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


this bracelet and necklace and all the rings were 
my grandmother’s. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Have you ever worn them all at one time? 
How you must have sparkled, if you did. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Why, she couldn’t wear the shoe buckle with¬ 
out its mate. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Oh, but I have worn it as a belt slide. (Be¬ 
hind scenes bell rings loudly , all start.) 

Mrs. Arnold. 

(Picking up diamonds.) 

Please answer the door bell Mrs. Collins. 
(Exit L.) 

Mrs. Ellis. 

(As Mrs. Collins goes out R.) 

That must be someone from the police de¬ 


partment. 


69 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Foster. 

If it is, he must have come in an airship; my 
husband— 

Mrs. Collins. 

[Behind scenes .) 

Oh, Mrs. Day, how do you do? So glad to 
see you. ( All rise excitedly. Mrs. Collins and 
Mrs. Day enter R.; all run forward exclaim - 
ing —) “O, Mrs. Day, so glad you have come.” 

Mrs. Foster. 

We were just wishing we could see you. My— 
Mrs. Ellis. 

[Interrupting.) 

But do sit down, Mrs. Day. [She sits , others 
same.) 

Mrs. Arnold. 

[Entering L., comes down.) 

Oh, Mrs. Day, we are so glad to see you. 


70 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Day. 

Well, I declare; why this sudden and enthusi¬ 
astic welcome? Are you all in a hurry for new 
gowns? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Why, Mrs. Day, you ought to know we’re all 
just crazy to hear about the burglary. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

I do hope you have a clue. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Yes, a clew is the first thing, when my hus¬ 
band— 

Mrs. Arnold. 

[Interrupting.) 

But, first, Mrs. Day, tell us what you lost. 

Mrs. Day. 

Who says I lost anything? 

71 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


All. 

Oh, didn’t you? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

But you told me there had been a burglary 
at your house, so, of course, you must have lost 
something. 

Mrs. Day. 

Did I say burglary, Mrs. Arnold? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

(Firmly.) 

I am sure you did. 

Mrs. Day. 

(Laughing .) 

No, I said burglars had been in my house. 
Mrs. Arnold. 

(Bridling.) 

What’s the difference, I’d like to know. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Yes, what is the difference? 

72 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Collins. 

Burglars, of course, commit burglary, and that 
means robbery, so you must have lost something. 

Mrs. Foster. 

{Jumping up.) 

I’ll look in the dictionary; my husband al¬ 
ways—■ 

Mrs. Day. 

{Interrupting.) 

Oh, never mind, Mrs. Foster, I’ll explain; 
burglary is house robbery at night, but burglars 
are persons who break into a house at night, but 
they don’t always get as far as robbery. 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Oh, I see, you drove them away; how lucky. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

How interesting. What did you do, Mrs. Day? 


73 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Collins. 

Yes, tell us all about it. My! this is getting 
exciting. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Did you point a gun at them, Mrs. Day? My 
hus— 

Mrs. Day. 

( Interrupting .) 

I wasn’t at home. [All groan.) 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Then, of course there must have been a burg¬ 
lary, since you weren’t there to drive them off; 
hope they didn’t get much. 

Mrs. Day. 

I didn’t lose a thing; on the contrary, I gained 
something. (Loud exclamations .) 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Now, Mrs. Day, you certainly must explain. 

74 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


The idea of burglars coming to your house and, 
instead of taking something, leaving something. 

Mrs. Foster. 

Oh, I see, it’s a conundrum, my— 

Mrs. Ellis. 

(. Interrupting.) 

No, I see what Mrs. Day is getting at; the 
burglars got into the house, then something fright¬ 
ened them and they ran off, leaving their “swag” 
—I think that’s what they call it. 

Mrs. Collins. 

That reminds me; some friends of mine had 
burglars break into the house and, just as the 
man was getting out of bed, the cuckoo clock, 
which was upstairs, struck twelve, and then the 
burglars made a quick get-away out of the house; 
they must have thought the clock was someone 
calling. 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Day. 

Moral, everybody keep a cuckoo clock. 

Mrs. Foster. 

But they are so expensive, my— 

Mrs. Arnold. 

( Interrupting .) 

But I must say, Mrs. Day, I think that you 
have made a pretty fine distinction between burg¬ 
lars and burglary. Unless these people, whoever 
they were, broke into your house with a wrong 
intent, they were not burglars, and if they left 
something for you, they couldn’t have had a 
wrong intent. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Why, Mrs. Arnold, they might have left a 
bomb. 

Mrs. Collins. 

Or a rat-trap for you to get your foot into. 

76 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Foster. 

Or the small-pox. 

Mrs. Day. 

Well, I must admit, Mrs. Arnold stretched a 
point when I said burglars had got into my 
house, but I thought it sounded funny to tell, 
and, of course, I expected to explain right away; 
in fact, I came over here expressly to explain to 
you the very minute my customer left. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

But now, Mrs. Day, since your burglars weren’t 
burglars at all, and didn’t take anything, but left 
something for you, we are all bursting with curi¬ 
osity to know what they left. (She rises at this 
point and comes close to the window.) 

Mrs. Day. 

Well, they left one bushel of peaches and half 

a bushel of apples. {All exclaim.) 

77 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Arnold. 

{Impatiently .) 

Oh, it’s a joke of some kind, I suppose, but I 
must confess I fail to see it. 

Mrs. Day. 

It’s no joke at all, but the solemn truth. I 
was away last night and my brother and his wife 
came to my house and, finding the doors all 
locked, he climbed in the back window, which, 
you see, made a burglar of him, and left— 

Mrs. Ellis. 

{Interrupting excitedly.) 

Mercy on me, there comes a policeman on his 
motorcycle! What on earth will he think of us? 

Mrs. Arnold. 

Oh, Oh, Oh! we can’t see him! Come on out 
the back way! {All start running L. except 
Mrs. Day.) 


78 





What on Earth Will He Think of Us? 
















79 






























DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Day. 

What s the matter ? What are you running 
from the policeman for? 

Mrs. Collins. 

[Calling back.) 

Come on, come on, we’ll tell you afterwards. 
[Exeunt omnes L. running. Bell rings loudly , 
several times; policeman appears at window; looks 
at empty room; shakes head, puzzled.) 

Curtain. 



80 






Teach me, dear creature, how to 
think and speak. 

(Quotation from Shakespeare) 


81 
















DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



“WE FEW, WE HAPPY FEW.” 

King Henry V, Act. 4, Sc. 3. 

A Shakespearean Medley in One Act. 

(For 31 Women and as Many Fairies as Desired.) 
(Suitable for a Shakespeare Club.) 

Time—About fifteen minutes. 



83 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Characters. 

Miranda, Celia, Silvia, Rosalind, Perdita, 
Margaret, Portia, Imogen, Nerissa, Katharina, 
Mrs. Ford, Emelia, Desdemona, Phebe, Helena, 
Queen, Olivia, Anne Bullen, Marina, Dionyza, 
Lady Alacbeth, Gentle Reader, Julia, Alistress 
Quickly, Jessica, Juliet, Titania, Fairies, 3 
Witches. 



84 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Scene— Interior, furniture as antique as possible. 


Costumes —15th and 16th centuries, trailing 
skirts, tight bodices, full puffed sleeves, ruffles at 
neck, hair high. Consult a good illustrated 
edition of Shakespeare, especially for the charac¬ 
ter of Rosalind in her disguise as Ganymede. 
Gentle Reader, ordinary home costume, prefer¬ 
ably black. Mrs. Quickly, comic costume, wears 
old fashioned cap. Queen Titania, and Fairies, 
suitably arrayed. Queen Titania wears train and 
crown. Fairies wear gauze wings, white, short 
frocks, very full. 



85 









DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



All of the characters, except Miranda, Portia, 
Marina, Gentle Reader, Beatrice, Titania, 
Fairies, and Three Witches are discovered at 
rise. They are standing about in careless groups 
whispering together. Good chance for comic busi¬ 
ness on the part of Mistress Quickly and others. 

As each character speaks she comes forward 
and the entire company gives her its undivided 
attention. (See “remarks” at end of play.) 

(Note — The explanation for numerals at end of play.) 


86 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


WE FEW, WE HAPPY FEW 


Miranda. 

{Entering R.) 

“O wonder! how many goodly creatures are 
there here. O brave new world that has such 
people in it.” 

Celia. 

“Well said; that was laid on with a trowel.” 

Silvia. 

“Think not she flatters, for I swear she does 
not.” (1) 

Rosalind. 

“Alas, what danger hath it been for us, maids 
as we are, to travel forth so far.” (2) 

Perdita. 

“How often have I told you ’twould be thus.” 

87 





Oil Brave New World That 
Has Buell People in It 


88 














My Little Body is A-Weary 
of This Great World 


89 
















DENTON'S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Margaret. 

[Queen to Henry VI.) 

“Because, forsooth, the Duke would have it 
so.” (3) 

Portia. 

[Entering R.) 

“By my troth, friends, my little body is aweary 
of this great world.” (4) 

Imogen. 

“I have tired myself, and for two nights to¬ 
gether have made the ground my bed. I should 
be sick, but that my resolution helps me.” 

Nerissa. 

[Advancing.) 

You would be, sweet madam, if your miseries 
were in the same abundance as your good for¬ 
tunes are; and yet, for aught I see, they are as 
90 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


sick who surfeit with too much as they that starve 
with nothing. It is no mean happiness, therefore, 
to be seated in the mean. Superfluity comes 
sooner by white hairs, but competency lives 
longer/’ 

Katharina. 

“When did you study all this goodly speech?” 

Mrs. Ford. 

“Believe me, there is no such thing in me!' 

Emelia. 

“You have little cause to say so.” 

Desdemona. 

“I am not merry, but I do beguile the thing I 
am, by seeming otherwise.” 

Phebe. 

“Why, I am sorry for thee.” 

Helena. 

“Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie which 
we ascribe to heaven.” 


91 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Anne Bullen. 

“Verily, I swear 5 tis better to be lowly born 
and range with humble lives in content than to 
be perked up in a glistening grief and wear a 
golden sorrow/ 5 

Queen (Cymbeline) . 

“Forbear sharp speeches to her, she’s a lady so 
tender of rebukes that words are strokes, and 
strokes are death to her. 55 

Olivia. 

“I prithee, gentle friend, let thy fair wisdom 
not thy passion sway. 55 

Marina. 

(.Enters carrying basket of flowers , comes down 
while reciting her lines.) 

“No, I will rob Tellus of her weeds, 

To strew thy green with flowers, the yellows, 
blues, 


92 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


The purple violets and marigolds 
Shall as a carpet hang upon thy grave 
While summer days do last. Aye me, poor maid, 
Born in a tempest, when my mother died, 

This world to me is like a lasting storm 
Whirring me from my friends/ 5 
Dionyza. 

“How now, Marina, why do you keep alone"? 55 
Go, I pray you, walk and be cheerful once again.” 
Marina. 

“Weil, I will go, but yet I have no desire for 
it. 55 (Exit L.) 

Lady Macbeth. 

[Coming down . Knocking heard behind scenes.) 

“I hear a knocking at the south entry. Hark, 

more knocking!” 

Gentle Reader. 

[inters R.) 

93 










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Hark! More Knocking 


94 

















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Parting is Such Siveet Sorrow 






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DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


All. 

(i Shouting .) 

O, welcome, welcome, Gentle Reader! 

Gentle Reader. 

(Coming down.) 

Ah, fortunate indeed, am I to find you thus 
assembled; but how did you manage to escape 
from the bonds which your wonderful creator 
had thrown about you? 

Miranda. 

Ah, Gentle Reader, do you not know that, as 
we are the creations of genius, so are we held 
only by the most immaterial bonds. We are 
“Airy nothings” and therefore, no power can give 
us a “local habitation and a name.” 

Gentle Reader. 

True, beautiful Miranda, and you whose life is 

passed amid scenes of magic, must feel this truth 

96 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


more than others. The daughter of a magician 
could not be happy like an ordinary mortal under 
the rule of “old father antic the law. 5 ’ (Turns 
toward R. E.) 

Celia. 

Stay then, Gentle Reader, and tell us if you 
think Miranda “adds a precious seeing to the 
eye” when looking at this goodly company 1 ? She 
gives us flattering speech, more flattering even 
than I, the daughter of a Duke, and, therefore, 
accustomed to the language of the court, can quite 
accept. 

Gentle Reader. 

That, dear Celia, is the fault of the scenes 
which, of late, have hedged about you, the Forest 
of Arden is “More free from perils than the 
envious court,” and so it has reduced your 

thoughts to simple truth. 

97 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Silvia. 

You are right, Gentle Reader, she has nothing 
to distract her thoughts from the plain purposes 
of life; she has not, like myself, been tortured by 
witnessing the faithlessness of a lover to a de¬ 
voted lady love; and the hurt it gave my heart 
was “deeper than e’er plummet sounded.” 

Gentle Reader. 

True, Silvia, the love making of Proteus has 
taught you that “the private wound is deepest.” 

Rosalind. 

It is sad indeed, that all maidens cannot be so 
fortunate as I in winning the love of a “gentle¬ 
man of good conceit,” like Orlando. 

Portia. 

True, fair Rosalind, we all envy you, since you 
can follow your own affections and must not 

depend on a silly chance of choosing a casket. 

98 




DENTON'S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Nerissa. 

Be not discouraged, fair Portia, Bassanio will 
choose well, he has “lined himself with hope” 
and his good genius will aid him, therefore, he 
cannot go amiss. 

Gentle Reader. 

And now, my good Katharina, how goes the 
world with you, since you have lost your shrew¬ 
ishness? 

Katharina. 

By my troth, I am glad to be done with the 
vexatious spirit which had been fastened upon 
me by reputation. But now have I learned, as 
a woman should, ’tis a happy thing to be “level 
in her husband’s heart.” 

Gentle Reader. 

And with this do you agree, I know, good Mrs. 
Ford. 


99 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Ford. 

Aye that indeed, and was ever a rascal served 
better than we served the fat knight? O, but I 
laugh whenever in my fancy I see him climbing 
into the “buck basket.” 

Emelia. 

And now, Gentle Reader, if you are not al¬ 
ready overtired with much listening, I pray you 
hear me tell how much it grieveth me that I did 
give the handkerchief to my treacherous husband 
Iago. 

Gentle Reader. 

Ah, well, dear lady, I know you meant no ill, 
but remember, “Things without all remedy should 
be without regard; what’s done, is done.” 

Desdemona. 

A true philosophy, and so do I agree with it. 

“Like a fair house built on another man’s ground.” 

100 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Gentle Reader. 

And now, my honest Phebe, how goes the time 
with thee 4 ? 

Phebe. 

No more do I sigh for Ganymede, “’tis but a 
peevish boy/’ but have learned to love my shep¬ 
herd lad. 

Gentle Reader. 

Helena, we all delight in your story. It is a 
joy to know that your medicine took full effect 
and, that at last you won, what you so well 
deserved, the husband of your heart. We all 
wished you well. 

Helena. 

“’Tis pity that wishing well hath not a body 

in’t which might be felt; that we, the poorer born, 

whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes, might 

with effects of them follow our friends, and show 
101 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


what we alone must think, which never returns 
our thanks.” 

Olivia. 

“Zounds! I never was so bethumped with 
words!” 

Gentle Reader. 

Ah, Olivia, you are with us still, and how 
goes life with you? Have you ceased to love the 
disguised Viola and accepted her twin brother 
instead? 

Olivia. 

That I have; “For want of other idleness” I 
have transferred my love from the sister to the 
brother. 

Gentle Reader. 

That is well, for he is “A proper man as one 
shall see in a summer’d day.” And, Anne Bullen, 
102 


/ 















DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


what think’st thou of queens and thrones, now 
that thou hast been “Drest in a little brief au¬ 
thority ?” 

Anne Bullen. 

“All that glitters is not gold.” 

Gentle Reader. 

Margaret of Anjou, art thou here to show us 
that thou art more like a man than a woman? 

Margaret of Anjou. 

Yes, and perchance thou, like the proud 
Duchess Elinor, would like to “come near my 
beauty with thy nails and set thy ten command¬ 
ments on my face.” 

Gentle Reader. 

Nay, nay, fair Margaret, I can only say, “The 
memory be green” of all thy goodly qualities. 


104 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Beatrice. 

[Entering R.) 

“Against my will I am sent to bid you come 
to dinner.” 

Julia. 

“Is’t near dinner time? Well, let us go.” 

Mistress Quickly. 

“Well you shall have it though I pawn my 
gown. I hope you’ll come. You’ll pay me all 
together?” 

Jessica. 

“There’s a ducat for thee (hands it to her ), soon 
at dinner (5) shalt thou see me, and so fare¬ 
well, I would not have my father see me in talk 
with thee.” (Exeunt Jessica and Mistress 
Quickly, R.) 

Juliet. 

(Waving to others .) 

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet 
105 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be to¬ 
morrow.” (Exit slowly R. Enter Titania, mo¬ 
tioning Juliet back / others re-enter while she is 
speaking.) 

Titania. 

“Out of this wood do not desire to go, 

Thou shalt remain here whether thou wilt or no, 
I am a spirit of no common rate, 

The summer still doth tend upon my state, 

And I do love thee, therefore, go with me, 

I ll give thee fairies to attend on thee.” 

(Claps hands , Fairies enter R. running , stand 
at attention.) 

Titania. 

“Be kind and courteous to these ladies, 

Feed them (7) with apricocks, dewberries, 

With purple grapes, green figs and mulberries. 
The honey-bags steal from the humble-bees, 


106 





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Queen Titania Wears Train and Croivn 

10 7 






















































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Nod to them (7) elves, and do them (7) courte¬ 
sies/’ 

Fairies. 

Hail Mortals! 

Three Witches. 

{Enter rear , stand in background , each repeating 
in turn) 

"Hail!” 

{Other characters shriek and run to front / Titania 
stands at F. C., other characters on either side,) 

Titania. 

{Sings .) 

"First rehearse your song by rote, 

To each word a warbling note, 

Hand in hand with fairy grace, 

Will we sing, and bless this place.” 

(Fairies join hands , repeat this quatrain three 
times , dancing about stage in time to the tune. 
At close of this song , Witches come forward , 
join hands in circle. Other characters go up.) 

108 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Three Witches. 

(Recite while circling slowly round.) 

“The weird sisters, hand in hand, 

Posters of the sea and land, 

Thus do go about, about, 

Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine, 

And thrice again to make up nine. 

Peace! the charm’s wound up!” 

Gentle Reader. 

(Coming to F. C .) 

“The deep of night has crept upon our talk. 
Now spurs the lated traveler apace to gain the 
timely inn.” 

“And whether we shall meet again, I know not, 

Therefore our everlasting farewell take. 

Forever and forever, farewell, 

If we do meet again, why we shall smile, 

If not, why then this parting was well made.” 
109 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


(Witches at L., Titania and Fairies at R., 
other characters in C., with Gentle Reader in 
front.) 

Tableau (i With lights). 

Curtain. 


Remarks. 

The speeches given by the characters who ap¬ 
pear before the entrance of Gentle Reader are 
quoted from these characters verbatim, except in 
a very few cases where slight verbal changes are 
made in tense or person, to adapt the sentences 
to the exigencies of the dialogue. Changes of 
this kind are marked by figures, and the correct 
readings are given below. After the entrance of 


no 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Gentle Reader, until after Beatrice’s speech, 
the characters give quotations from other per¬ 
sonages to suit the occasion, and are verbatim. 
After the entrance of Beatrice, slight liberties 
are again taken with the text, which, as before, 
are marked by figures, and the correct word or 
words are given. 

Number 1. I flatter, I do not— 2. Will it be. 
3. King. 4. Nerissa. 5. Supper. 6. This gen¬ 
tleman. 7. Him. 



Ill 









































































































































































































































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



HOW THE BAG WAS MENDED. 

(A One-Act Farce.) 

Characters. 

John Mallory, a bachelor farmer. 

Peter, Irishman of all work. 

Miss Gay, attractive young woman, Mr. Mal¬ 
lory’s nearest neighbor. 


113 













DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Costumes — Men, overalls and jumpers; Miss 
Gay, attractive home costume, wears no hat, car- 
ries handsome parasol . 



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Tften 7 £7iaM Make the Pot Pie 

115 






















































































































































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


r 


Scene — Comfortable interior , phone up stage 
L, flat topped desk, covered with a miscellaneous 
confusion , up stage R. Chair at F. C., near it a 
small stand or table covered with various articles 
in disorder. 



116 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


HOW THE BAG WAS MENDED 

8 

Mallory. 

(Discovered walking about the stage, a rough 
canvas bag rolled up under his arm.) 

Where are the shears, I wonder? Can’t get 
along without them. Oh, here they are! (Takes 
them from floor.) Lucky find, now the thread 
(continues looking). Oh, here it is under my 
cap, of course, sure to be under something. Guess 
now I have assembled everything. (Looks at 
things he carries.) Bag, that is of the first im¬ 
portance, and I guess the hole s there yet, shears, 
thread. Oh, hang it all! got to have a needle. 
(Continues looking.) Where on earth is that 
needle book thing the women gave me when I 

was a soldier boy? And a mighty handy thing 
117 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


it was to have, then, though this is the first time 
I’ve needed it since I became a civilian again; 
queer how things get away from a fellow just 
as soon as he wants to use them. ( Turns over a 
sofa cushion .) Oh, here you are, you miserable 
old hider. (Picks up needle book.) Now we’ll 
see what we can do. (Sits in chair at F. C.; lays 
implements on table, unrolls bag a little way, 
showing one small hole near the top, while talk¬ 
ing.) This is a job I hate, mending bags, and 
that’s where I get my pay for being a bachelor; 
but this is only a little hole, I can pucker that 
up in a minute. (Lets the bag fall loose, it un¬ 
rolls full length, displaying great, jagged hole 
near the bottom.) Great Ceasar’s ghost! Look 
at that, will you! How in the name of common 
sense will a green hand ever stop up that yawn¬ 
ing cavity? 


118 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Peter. 

[Entering L.) 

Sure, Mr. Mallory, it’s mesilf that’s forgot to 
tell yez that the lady nixt dure— 

Mallory. 

[Dropping bag.) 

The lady next door! What are you talking 
about? There is no such animal. 

Peter. 

Indade, an’ there is surr, and she— 

Mallory. 

Why, Peter, don’t you remember when I bought 
this place I inquired particularly about that ten- 
acre piece adjoining me, and because the house 
was built so close to this one I wanted to know 
whether or not it was likely to be occupied, and 
they told me the property was in the courts and 
that no one could rent it or buy it, until two or 


119 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


three law suits were decided. So I don’t see how 
there can be any lady next door. 

Peter. 

But sure sir, an’ they must a decided thin, all 
on a suddent loike, fur she’s there onyway as 
you’ll foind out if ye’ll tak toime t’ look over 
that way an’ see what is straight furninst ye. 

Mallory. 

Have you seen her, Pete 1 ? 

Peter. 

Well, I dunno as I should say I have ’zactly, 
sir. She come to the fince, this marnin’ airly, 
’fore ye was out o’ yer bed, but I was a good 
bit from her an’ she had a big, pink sunbonnet, 
all covered with ruffles, pulled down over her 
face, so’t I couldn’t make out nothin’ but her 
chin, jist, and— 

Mallory. 

And how was the chin, Pete? 

120 




I 


I 



Pulled Down Over Her Face 


121 











DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Peter. 

Well, at the distance, ye see, I wouldn’t loike 
to say right out fur certain sir, besoides I was 
afther bein purty well tooken up wid all the 
string she was a pourin’ out and— 

Mallory. 

You rascal! Why didn’t you tell me sooner 
that she said something to you 1 ? 

Peter. 

Sure, an that s phwat Pve been tryin’ to tell 
ye for the last foive minutes, she— 

Mallory. 

I wonder if she knows how to mend bags? 

Run over and ask her, Pete; if she says yes, I’d 

like to cultivate her acquaintance. Look at that! 

(Holds up bag.) I’d give her, or anyone else for 

that matter, half a dollar to have that bag mended 

without any more worry to me. Do you sup- 
122 ^ 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


pose she’d do it, Peter 4 ? Better run over and 
see; that’s a good fellow. 

Peter. 

[Shaking head slowly .) 

Pm thinking not; you see, she’s mad at you 
already. 

Mallory. 

Mad at me, what for 4 ? She hasn’t even seen 
me. 

Peter. 

More’s the pity! But ain’t I tellin’ ye what 
she told me to say till ye 4 ? That— 

Mallory. 

What can she have to say to me 4 ? You haven t 
told me a word of what she said, but now, get 
at it quick; I’ve waited for your slow tongue 
long enough. 


123 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Peter. 

She says, tell yer imployer, that’s the word she 
used sir, that ef he doesn’t kape his fowls out o’ 
my yard when my garden is made, I’ll throw 
some pot-pie materials over the fince til ’im! 
Mallory. 

Mmm, she means business, doesn’t she? Too 
bad the fowls are so tame they can be picked up 
anywhere. I take it, she hadn’t made her garden 
yet, then? 

Peter. 

No, but she was busy making it airly this 
mornin’ long ’fore you was out o’ bed sir, and I 
spect she s got some o’ it done by this time. 
Mallory. 

And the fowls, where are they? 

Peter. 

Jist where they loikes to be sir, over on her 
soide of the fince. 


124 





Over on Her Side of the Fence 


v 


125 


/ 

















DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mallory. 

Oh, Jehosophat, this mix-up is worse than 
mending bags! She’s probably some cross, vine¬ 
gar-faced old maid who’ll make my life miserable 
now, just for a few hens. I wonder how it hap¬ 
pened that she moved here; did she know who 
owned this place 1 ? 

Peter. 

No sir, she didn’t know nothin’ about nothin’ 
nor nobudy; she asked me first off ef this was 
my place, an’ I said, No ma’am, Mr. Mallory 
owns ut an’ I am only aworkin’ fur him. Thin 
she said the rist jist as I told ye. 

Mallory. 

(.Rising and dropping bag on floor.) 

Well, Pete, I have always vowed that I would 
never have any trouble with my neighbors. I 

didn’t achieve this neighbor, but as she has been 

126 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


thrust upon me, I will not make any exception 
in her case, so hitch up the pony and light wagon 
and go to the village after pickets to build a 
chicken park at once. Come in the last thing be¬ 
fore you go and I’ll give you a check to pay for 
the pickets. 

Peter. 

All roight, sir. (Exit L.) 

Mallory. 

Now where on earth is my check book? (Feels 
in pockets.) Of course, though, it wouldn’t be 
in these clothes. (Goes around looking for it.) 
Let me see, when did I have it last? Funny I 
can’t remember! Guess I haven’t paid for any¬ 
thing very lately. (Goes to desk , rummages 
among papers.) It ought to be here, but it isn’t. 
(Comes down while talking , looking in possible 

and impossible places.) What a fool a man is 
127 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


to be getting along without a wife! Good notion 
to ask the cross old maid next door to marry 
me. {Laughs.) Wouldn’t she be surprised*? No 
doubt she’d refuse me so quick it would make 
my head snap, but if she didn’t we might com¬ 
promise on the chicken matter, and maybe that 
would be cheaper than building a chicken park. 
(Telephone rings.) Oh, bother! Wonder who 
that is? {Goes to phone and takes down re¬ 
ceiver.) Yes, yes, this is Mallory, what can I 
do for you, Madame? {Stands listening a few 
moments and then hangs up receiver.) Well, I 
never! My new neighbor, as sure as guns; says 
she just caught one of my fowls that had dug up 
a whole row of watermelon seeds; she cut its 
head off and threw it over the fence. Isn’t that 
jolly! Half a notion to invite her over to din¬ 
ner; would, sure as preaching, if I knew her 

128 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


name; but where is that check book? ( Continues 
looking.) Yes, that’s what I’ll do when Pete 
comes back with the lumber; I’ll send him over 
with my compliments and invite her over to eat 
pot-pie; Pete knows how to make it. Oh, here’s 
my check book and the pen right beside it. 
[Takes them from stand , adjusts pen , sits in 
chair, writes while talking.) Wouldn’t that be 
a jolly way to heap the traditional coals of fire 
on her poor, lonely old head; fine, fine! 

Peter. 

(Enters L.) 

She’s done it, sir; she’s done it! 

Mallory. 

(Looking up.) 

Who’s done what? 

Peter. 

That awful old woman nixt door hes kilt that 

129 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 

big Rhode Island rooster; I calls that a sin an’ 
a shame! 

Mallory. 

Yes, she called me up and told me about it. 
When you come back with the lumber, Peter, 
I want you to make a pot-pie and then go over 
and invite her to dinner in my name. 

Peter. 

Indade, thin, an’ I’ll niver go nixt or nigh 
her, the blatherin’ ould huzzy! 

Mallory. 

Do you know her name, Peter? 

Peter. 

Indade, thin I don’t an’ don’t want to that 
same ayther. 

Mallory. 

If I knew her name, I’d call her up and in¬ 
vite her, since that was the way she communi- 

130 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


cated with me. Well, get along now (hands 
check ) and come back as soon as possible, so 
you’ll have time to cook the rooster for dinner. 

Peter. 

But if I’ll have t’spind all that toime wid 
the rooster, who’ll build the park? 

Mallory. 

I will, when this bag is patched. I’ll go out 
and look up the best site; we’ll have the fowls 
all housed and out of the way by night. But 
before you go, Pete, do you happen to know 
where there are some patches I can use in mend¬ 
ing this bag? 

Peter. 

Sure, an’ I do sir, and it’s that glad I am 

you asked me. (Goes up stage , takes from a box 

a big roll of cloth and hands it to Mallory.) 

There ye air sir, and if ye can’t make a good 
131 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


bag out o’ that auld one wid all that stuff to 
help ye, I’ll jist say ye ain’t no workman. 

Mallory. 

Well, I should think there ought to be pieces 
enough here to patch all the bags around the 
place, but I’m mighty glad this is the only one 
that needs patching. 

(Mallory unrolls the bundle , places it on 
the stand* it is formed of pieces of all colors and 
fabrics . He takes up the patches one by one , 
tries each one separately over the hole , finds it 
too small and throws it on the floor beside him. 

[Chance here for good pantomime work.~\ When 
he has tried all the pieces except the last one and 
is just taking that up, there is a firm , double 
knock on the door.) 

Mallory. 

Who in thunder can that be? I haven’t had 

a caller since I moved here. Come in! (Miss 

Gay enters L., much embarrassed.) Oh—ah— 

132 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


good morning! I’d like to speak to Mr. Mal¬ 
lory. 

Mallory. 

[Rising, bows politely and places a chair.) 

I am Mr. Mallory; please be seated. 

Miss Gay. 

But—but—I heard that Mr. Mallory was— 
an—an—well, an old bachelor. (She sits.) 
Mallory. 

(Smiling.) 

True, I am a bachelor, but, as you have doubt¬ 
less observed, not a very old one yet. (He sits.) 
Miss Gay. 

Well, I’m your next door neighbor, Miss Gay. 
Mallory. 

Oh, is it possible 4 ? I thought—er—er— 

Miss Gay. 

(Laughing.) 

We neither of us had a very clear idea of the 

133 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


other one’s personality, did we? But what on 
earth are you doing? 

Mallory. 

I am not doing anything; I am trying to mend 
this bag. 

Miss Gay. 

And nothing to do it with. 

Mallory. 

You have stated the case exactly. 

Miss Gay. 

You should take another old bag for patches; 
that stuff is of no use. 

Mallory. 

So I have discovered, but you see, Miss Gay, 
this is the only old bag which my farm affords. 
Miss Gay. 

I have an old bag which is at your service, 

but if you don t wish to use this bag until to- 

134 




DENTON'S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


morrow 111 take it home and mend it for you. 
I am a farmer’s daughter and know all about 
bag mending. 

Mallory. 

I had intended to use it this afternoon, but as 
soon as my man returns with the lumber I in¬ 
tend to build a chicken yard to keep my fowls 
out of your garden. You see, Miss Gay, I didn’t 
know that my fowls annoyed you until a few 
moments ago. I sent after the lumber as soon 
as I heard of it. 

Miss Gay. 

That is good news. I came over to see you 
about your fowls; it hurts my conscience to kill 
the valuable creatures, but I thought as long as 
I complained so early this morning you might 
have done something. I am very sorry I did not 


135 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


wait and talk to you before killing your rooster, 
but I w r as so angry, I thought I just couldn’t 
wait, and I didn’t know what else to do; but if 
you intend to build a park at once, I will post¬ 
pone the rest of my garden-making until the fowls 
are shut up. 

Mallory. 

Fine! That is the best kind of a compromise, 
and now' when Peter returns he is to make a 
pot-pie out of that Rhode Island rooster. I in¬ 
tended to send Peter over with an invitation to 
dinner, but now I extend the invitation to you 
in person. 

Miss Gay. 

Do you mean it*? 

Mallory. 

From the bottom of my heart. 


136 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Miss Gay. 

(Rising.) 

Then I shall make the pot-pie, and don’t worry 
yourself any more about that bag. (He drops 
bag on floor and rises.) 

Mallory. 

Since you have taken away my occupation 
then, I must go to the kitchen and help you; 
it will be a farmer’s girl and a farmer’s boy to¬ 
gether. (They move toward L. Exit. Miss Gay 

exits first. Mallory runs back to C. and says 
to audience) 

Mallory. 

How’s this for luck? No more bag mending 
for me! 

Curtain. 


137 




































































































































































































































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



WHEN FATHER WAS LEFT TO HIMSELF. 
(A Play in One Act.) 

For two women, two men and one boy with 
speaking parts, and as many non-speaking parts 
as desired. 


Characters. 

Mr. Lyon, a wealthy elderly gentleman, living 
with his married daughter. 

Mrs. Free, his daughter. 

Mr. Free, her husband. 

Mrs. Tate, well-preserved elderly lady, early 
friend of Mr. Lyon. 



139 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Scene —Lawn in front of a California bunga¬ 
low , two-seated porch swing up stage L. 

Costumes —Ordinary costumes for all charac¬ 
ters except Mrs. Free , who wears handsome auto¬ 
mobile bonnet and coat . 


SgSSwBggE? 



140 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


WHEN FATHER WAS LEFT TO HIMSELF 



Mr. and Mrs. Free enter from bungalow at 
rear of stage, carrying robes, baskets, etc.; come 
down, slowly, during remarks. 

Mr. Free. 

Do you think it’s just the thing to go off for 
the entire day and leave father here all alone? 

Mrs. Free. 

Why, John, of course it’s all right. I asked 
him to go, but he said he preferred to stay at 
home. You know he doesn’t like Kittie Jones; 
calls her a chattering magpie, s3ys she reminds 
him of dry thorns crackling under a pot. 


141 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Free. 

[Laughing,) 

Well, Fm inclined to agree with him, but it 
does seem as if we might get together a crowd 
of folks agreeable to father and take him off 
for a day. 

Mrs. Free. 

Well, we surely will some day, but we have 
to take the Jones crowd first, you know how 
much we are indebted to them 6 ? 

Mr. Free. 

The implication is that we’re not indebted to 
your father. 

Mrs. Free. 

Now, don’t be absurd, John, you know father 

will be perfectly happy here all day with his 

papers and magazines. Three new ones came in 

the morning mail and he will be so absorbed in 

them he won’t even know we are away. Then, 
142 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


too, I’ve put all his favorite dishes in the re¬ 
frigerator, even to the iced tea, so he’ll have 
nothing to do but set his victuals on the table. 

I think I’ve looked out for him fine, and I’m 
sure he’ll have a delightful day. 

Mr. Free. 

Well, I suppose you ought to know your own 
father better than anybody else does. 

Mrs. Free. 

I am sure I do. ( Exeunt R. Horn heard, be¬ 
hind scenes. Mr. Lyon enters from bungalow , 
hands full of magazines and papers.) 

Mr. Lyon. 

That means their good-bye, I suppose. ( Comes 

to porch swing and sits.) Kind of churlish in me 

not to come out and see them off, but I m getting 

a little tired of doing that. Since I must be al- 

wavs the one to be left behind, I’d rather not rub 
143 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


it into myself. Heigh ho, another long, lonesome 
day, I suppose. Well, I may as well make the 
best of it. I am sure of one thing, Lucy has 
left me plenty to eat; she always looks out for 
my inner man in that way, and, no doubt, she 
thinks the mental side of my inner man is well 
provided for when I have plenty of reading mat¬ 
ter. Well, it does fill a big lack, that’s true. I 
often wonder how people manage to exist when 
they don’t love to read. It must be awful to be 
ieduced to solitaire! (Man pusses along in front 
of stage.) Wonder who that is? I don’t know 
half of the people around here any more. Well, 
let me see, what shall I read first? The morn¬ 
ing paper, I think. (Lays others on seat in front 
of him; opens morning paper.) It is easy to see 
that Lucy has been reading this, folded out at the 
personal column. Lucy couldn’t go off even for 






Well, I 


May as Well Make the 


Best of it 



145 




























DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


a day without knowing who’s in town and who 
isn t. 1 akes after me in her social nature, and 
yet she seems to think that my social nature is 
dead because I’m old. On the contrary, I believe 
it is more active than ever. Well, I’ll see who’s 
in town too. Oh, a lot of names I never heard 
of; um-um-um, queer, how many new people there 
are here; um-um-um, all strangers. What’s this? 
Sally Tate back in town again! Well, I must see 
her! (Drops paper and looks off.) She went 
away so suddenly last year, after the way Lucy 
treated her, she didn’t even say good-bye to me. 

I wonder why Lucy acted so? Maybe she thinks 
I am likely to marry her. Well, why not? 
Sally is as good as the best and I should have 
asked her to marry me when we were both young, 
if it hadn’t been for a few busybodies. Well. 

poor soul, she didn’t have a very good time with 

146 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


the man she did marry. (Young woman passes 
along in front of stage.) I wonder who that is? 
Pretty good looking girl, but one I never saw 
before. (Looks at paper again.) I wonder where 
Sally is staying. Paper doesn’t say, but then I 
guess this town isn’t so big that I can’t find her. 
I’ll start out after lunch and hunt her up; what 
a lark it will be. (Boy passes, they exchange 
salutations.) O say, Peter! stop a moment. (He 
obeys; Mr. Lyon rises and goes toward him.) 
Do you know Mrs. Tate? 

Boy. 

No, sir; never heard of her. 

Mr. Lyon. 

Well, here’s a quarter. If you can find out 
where she’s staying here in town, come and tell 
me and I’ll give you another quarter. 

Boy. 

All right, sir, but if you had stopped that girl 
147 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


who just went along here I kind o’ think she’d 
a told you; she works on the “Times.” 

Mr. Lyon. 

Is that so? Wish I’d have known it. (Boy 
exits L.) I vum, if there doesn’t come one of 
those man-hunting widows. I’ll get in the house 
out of her way. (Hurries into bungalow; woman 
passes slowly, looking around at bungalow and 
lawn. Mr. Lyon returns to seat as she goes out 
L.) Well, there, I got rid of that visitation! 
My social nature doesn’t carry me as far as that 
widow. Another woman coming; well, it’s no one 
I know, so I guess I don’t have to run from her. 
(Woman passes .) Wish someone would come 
along who knows Sally Tate. That isn’t an im¬ 
possible wish at all, because there are many peo¬ 
ple here who know her well; but, of course, there 

won’t any of them come my way. Well, I may 

148 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


as well finish reading my paper. ( Drops paper 
again.) Heigh ho! I wonder how it would 
seem to Sally to have all the money she wants 
to spend. Well, I’m sure that boy Peter will 
find her before night, then I’ll call on her to¬ 
morrow and if she’s as friendly as I think she 
ought to be, I’ll do what I ought to have done 
thirty-five years ago. Ho, Ho! if she accepts, 
what a surprise that will be to everyone. Why, 
there—comes—no, it can’t be—surely that’s too 
good to be true! It is Sally! (Mrs. Tate crosses 
stage from R.; he goes down, takes her hand in 
his and escorts her to the porch swing while talk¬ 
ing.) Great Scott! Sally, you don’t know how 
good you look to me! I just saw in the paper 
that you were here, and I paid a boy a quarter 
to find you for me. When did you come? Now 
tell me all about everything! [Seats her in porch 

swma and takes a seat bestde her.) 

149 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Tate. 

There isn’t much to tell. You know I sold 
my little home when I went away last year, or 
at least, I thought I sold it. But the people 
have never paid a cent, except the first install¬ 
ment, and my agent wrote me that they had left 
bag and baggage, so I came back yesterday and 
took possession again. I’ll give them credit for 
leaving things in pretty good shape. You know 
I sold it furnished; now I intend to live right 
there, until I can sell it for cash. 

Mr. Lyon. 

Sally, you and I were in love with each other 
once. 

Mrs. Tate. 

That was a long time ago, William. 

Mr. Lyon. 

So it was, Sally, but there is an old saying, 
150 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


‘Better late than never,” and now here we are, 
two lonesome old creatures. Don’t you think we 
are foolish to be eating our hearts out alone, 
when we might be so much happier together? 

Mrs. Tate. 

But what would people say? 

Mr. Lyon. 

Who cares for that? I guess we are of age. 
Come on, now; we’ll go down town, get the 
license, and be married just as soon as we can 
find a minister. 

Mrs. Tate. 

But it is going to rain; there’s a big storm 
coming. 

Mr. Lyon. 

No matter, we’ll be under shelter. 

Mrs. Tate. 

What do you mean? That we are to be mar¬ 
ried right away, just as we are? 

151 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Lyon. 

Of course, why not? 

Mrs. Tate. 

Why, what a crazy thing to do! 

Mr. Lyon. 

I don’t see why; you look all right. I’ll go 
into a department store and get a whole new 
outfit. Just wait until I write a note to Lucy. 

Mrs. Tate. 

She’ll be so angry, she doesn’t like me. 

Mr. Lyon. 

That doesn’t cut any figure; she doesn’t have 
to live with you. ( Takes memorandum book 
from pocket , tears out leaf and reads aloud what 
he has written .) 

Dear Lucy: 

Mrs. Tate and I are to be married within 

152 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


fifteen minutes. We leave for San Fran¬ 
cisco by next train, but will be at home in 
Mrs. Lyon’s bungalow, on Washington 
street after the first of the month, where 
we hope to see you. 

Now, I’ll take this in and stick it up where 

she’ll see it. (Rises and moves toward bunga¬ 

low .) 

Boy. 

(Entering L., running .) 

O, Mr. Lyon, I’ve found her, I’ve found her! 
Mr. Lyon. 

O, you have, have you? Well, so have I, 
but here’s your other quarter, just the same, and 
thank you too. (Boy takes quarter and exits L.) 
Mrs. Tate. 

(As Mr. Lyon enters bungalow .) 

Well, this is certainly very sudden; guess it’s 

fate, that’s the way it looks anyway. 

153 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Lyon. 

[Entering fro?n bungalow .) 

Now, come on, Sally, it’s you and I for the 
rest of our lives. (He takes her arm , they come 
down , when they are near the L. exit a horn 
sounds behind scenes .) There, if they aren’t 
back again! We must hurry. (They exit L.) 

Mrs. Free. 

(.Entering R.) 

Well, here we are before the rain after all. 
I hardly expected we’d be so lucky. Wonder 
where father is. (Exits into bungalow L.) 

Mr. Free. 

(Entering R.) 

I believe we’ve hurried home all for nothing. 
(Looks up.) I do believe the shower is going 

over, but I am just as well satisfied; I had about 

154 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


all I could stand of that crowd anyway. I won¬ 
der where father is? (Mrs. Free enters from 
bungalow carrying scrap of paper.) What do 
you think has happened, John? Just read that! 
(Hands paper and tumbles into porch swing.) 

Mr. Free. 

(Glances at note.) 

Married Mrs. Tate, but where did he find her? 
I thought she had left the city. (Reads rest of 
note silently while his wife talks.) 

Mrs. Free. 

Goodness knows, I don’t. But you can trust 
any man to find any woman when he wants her. 
I thought I queered that plan before she went 
away. I told her how perfectly ridiculous it 
looked to other people when an old couple were 

foolish enough to get married. 

155 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Free. 

Well, it didn’t work, did it? That’s once too 
often we left the old man to himself with his 
papers and magazines. 

Mrs. Free. 

Yes, indeed, once too often. This was a dear 
morning’s work for us. And to think, too, that 
he never touched that splendid luncheon that I 
left for him. 

Mr. Free. 

Of course not, what’s one luncheon to a man 
who is soon to be married? 

Curtain. 



156 








cr 


That’s 


Once Too Often We Left 
To Himself 


the Old Man 


15 7 






















































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE 
(A Play in Two Acts.) 
Characters. 

Mrs. Walter. 

Ethel, her daughter. 

Charlie Tracey, Ethel’s lover. 

A Working Man. 

Jim Tracey, Charlie’s cousin. 



159 






DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Scene— j 



Ordinary Costumes . 


'nterior , several chairs near f r ont C. 



160 





DENTON'S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE 



Act I— Mrs . Walter , Ethel and Charlie Tracey. 

Mrs. Walter and Ethel are discovered, Mrs. 
Walter seated at F. C. engaged in fancy work, 
Ethel standing near her mother; during the en¬ 
tire dialogue between the two women Ethel is 
very restless, frequently crossing over and chang¬ 
ing her seat from one chair to another. 

Ethel. 

But, mother dear, don’t you see— 

Mrs. Walter. 

( Interrupting .) 

No, my dear child, I don’t see. Nothing can 
161 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


change my mind; it is just as I told you at first, 
when Charlie has a balance of one thousand dol¬ 
lars in the bank you may marry him and I will 
make a wedding for you second to none of the 
girls in your set. 

Ethel. 

But, mother, you don’t seem to realize how 
long it will take to save that amount of money. 

Mrs. Walter. 

But, you say, he has saved already four hun¬ 
dred dollars without having any especial object 
in view, so he should surely be able to save the 
other six hundred very soon, with you as the 
ultimate reward. 

Ethel. 

But it’s so ridiculous to insist on his having 
all that money, laid up when he has a sure posi¬ 
tion and a fine salary, and we’re not to have any 

expenses to speak of the first year. 

162 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Walter. 

You think so now, but how can you be abso¬ 
lutely sure that such will be the case? 

Ethel. 

Why, mother, I’ve told you and told you; 
Charlie’s mother is to go to California to stay a 
year with her daughter; she is just waiting for 
our marriage, so that Charlie will not be left 
alone, then she will be off and we shall have 
that perfect little home all to ourselves. How 
easy it will be to save the other six hundred dol¬ 
lars, before his mother returns. In fact, she may 
stay two or three years if she likes California. 

Mrs. Walter. 

That’s well added, if she likes California; you 

know there are some misguided folks who don’t 

like it, and if she doesn’t like it, she may stay 

three months. Then, if she comes back again, 
163 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


you may depend upon it, you’ll not stay long in 
the “perfect little home.” You’ll find it will not 
be so perfect when there is a mother-in-law 
around to boss it and you. 

Ethel. 

Oh, mother, you surely are looking through 
blue glasses! 

Mrs. Walter. 

I’m sorry, dear child, to take so dark a view of 
the situation, but I am only considering possi¬ 
bilities. I must tell you, I spent the first year 
of my married life under a mother-in-law’s thumb 
and I am only trying to save you from a repeti¬ 
tion of my own hard experience. 

Ethel. 

But, mother, if you only knew Mrs. Tracey, 
you would have no fear of her ever keeping any¬ 
one “under her thumb.” 


164 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Walter. 

I am glad you feel that way, but if you have 
that thousand dollars in the bank I shall be much 
surer of your happiness than I shall be if you 
don’t have it, but there, I hear Charlie’s step on 
the porch, so go and meet him and don’t let him 
talk to you about my decision, because it is abso¬ 
lutely final. (Exit Ethel R.) It’s too bad to 
cross her, but they’re young enough to wait, and 
if they have a little nest egg to help themselves 
with, conditions can’t be quite so bad as they 
might easily be, without the money, but I must 
get out of the way, I’ve no notion of having 
them both get after me. (Exit L. as Ethel and 
Charlie enter R. arm in arm.) 

Charlie. 

Wish I could talk to your mother a few min- 

('They come to F. C. and sit.) 

165 


utes. 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Ethel. 

It’s no use, Charlie, I’ve exhausted all the argu¬ 
ments, and she is doing what she thinks is for our 
good, so as long as she feels so sure of that, 
nothing can change her. 

Charlie. 

Mother wants to be off for California in about 
a month and she is just as determined not to go 
until we are married as your mother is about the 
one thousand dollars. 

Ethel. 

[Laughing.) 

Too bad we can’t find some way to conquer 
our stubborn mothers. 

Charlie. 

Yes, I wish we could, but I know mine is hope¬ 
less. 


166 





Too Bad We Can’t Find Some Way to Conquer Our 
Stubborn Mothers 


167 










DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Ethel. 

Mine is equally so. 

Charlie. 

I think I see a way out of it, if you’ll agree. 
Mother thinks she’d like to cross the continent in 
an automobile. I’ll pull my little four hundred 
dollars out of the bank, pay two hundred of it 
on a car, then I’ll get a month’s leave of absence, 
you, mother and I will go to Los Angeles, there 
we’ll be married, then I’ll sell the car, it’s a 
great place to sell cars, they say, and we’ll come 
home on the train. 

Ethel. 

A very pretty plan to talk about, but it won’t 

work. Even if mother’d let me go in the first 

place, which I don’t believe for a minute, she’d 

be so angry when she would learn of the trick 

we had played, that she’d have the marriage 

annulled instanter. No, you must either begin 
168 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


to economize and save the one thousand dollars, 
or else wait until Fm of age, which will be in 
two years, three months and twenty-seven days. 

Charlie. 

Well, I think I can save the money in less 
time than that. Tomorrow is pay day and Fll 
put a hundred and fifty dollars in the bank before 
it closes. Be sure to tell your mother. And I 
guess we’ll ride in the old car awhile, so come 
on. ( Rises , Ethel takes coat and cap from the 
rack , calls to her mother good-bye, at L and 
exeunt R. 

Curtain. 


169 


















. 































































































































































































































































» 











































































































































' 


































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE 


Act II. 

Three weeks time is supposed to elapse between 
first and second acts. 

Charlie Tracey, a Working Man and Jim 
Tracey. 


171 














DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE 

Interior —Library table, with drawer at F. C. 
Electric lamp on table; stage darkened. Charlie 
enters, turns up electric light, sits in chair near 
table. 



172 





Charlie Enters, Tarns Up Light 


























































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Charlie. 

Well, I’m home early, as usual. This awful 
saving habit that I’ve taken up sends me home 
early. I suppose Ethel and I are both better off, 
but it’ll take a good many months to hoard up 
that other four hundred and fifty dollars, but 
then Ethel’s worth it and a lot more added to it. 
Rather hard on the Mater, though, keeping her 
here when she’s just crazy to be on her journey 
to California; she can hardly wait to see that 
new baby out there. Tough luck! Wish there 
was some way I could make five hundred dollars 
quick. (Bell rings.) Who in thunder can that 
be? It’s nearly ten o’clock; rather late for vis¬ 
itors! (Goes to door R.) Yes, I am Mr. Tracey; 
will you walk in? (Workman enters R.) Have 
a chair. 


174 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Workman. 

No, thank you, I don’t need to stop but a 
minute. I’ve bought your cousin Jim Tracey’s 
second-hand motor car. I called him up this 
morning and told him I’d bring the money ’round 
tonight; couldn’t leave my work to come before 
bank closed. He said he was afraid he couldn’t 
be at home, and if he wasn’t I was to bring it 
to you, so here it is. (Lays roll of bills oil library 
table.) Ten fifty dollar bills; count ’em, please. 

Charlie. 

Great Scott, man, I don’t want all that money 
left in the house tonight! 

Workman. 

O, it’s safe enough; there isn’t a soul knows 
about the deal except your cousin and you and I. 

Charlie. 

Why in the world didn’t you put it in the 

bank? Then you could have given a check for it? 

175 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Workman. 

O, I don’t go any on banks. I saved it all by 
littles and changed it into fifty dollar bills as 
fast as I could, so count ’em, please. 

Charlie. 

[Counting bills.) 

Well, I must say, this is a queer transaction, 
but if I’m lucky enough to get through the night 
alive, of course, I’ll turn it over to Jim in the 
morning. 

Workman. 

O, don’t worry about getting through the 
night, for, as I said before, no one knows it’s 
here; you’re safe enough, so good night. (Exit R.) 

Charlie. 

Queer performance, I must say, but then, that 

cousin of mine is always up to queer things. I’ve 
176 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


half a notion to tackle Jim in the morning to 
loan this wad to me. (Places it in pocket.) I 
don’t suppose he has any immediate use for this 
money anyway, an old bachelor like him, he 
never spends half his income. Maybe I’d bet¬ 
ter look after my gun. ( Takes pistol from table 
drawer, looks it over while talking.) How do I 
know but this fellow will come back and steal 
the money; easy enough done if he has the nerve. 
(Bell rings.) Now who? (Slips pistol in pocket 
and goes to door.) O, hello, Jim. (Jim enters 
R.) Awfully glad it’s you; just put pistol in 
my pocket thinking maybe a thief had come to 
steal your money. 

Jim. 

(Sitting near F. C.) 

So the fellow came with it, did he? 

177 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Charlie. 

Yes, and I’m glad you have come after it. 

Jim. 

But say, Charlie, would you mind taking care 
of it for me for awhile? 

Charlie. 

What do you mean? 

Jim. 

I’ve been having an interview with some fel¬ 
lows this evening. I’m off with them on the 
twelve o’clock train. I don’t want all that cash 
with me and it’s too late to get a traveler’s check. 
Put it in the bank in the morning on your ac¬ 
count and keep it there until I return. 

Charlie. 

And how soon will that be? 

Jim. 

O, in two or three months. 

178 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Charlie. 

All right. I’ll try not to forget it isn’t mine; 

I might draw it out if I don’t. 

Jim. 

Well, if you do it doesn’t matter greatly. I 
know you’re good for that small amount. Take 
care of yourself. 

Charlie. 

[Accompanying him to the door and shaking 
hands with him.) 

You do the same and good night to you. (Exit 

J. R.) 

Charlie. 

(Returning to C.) 

I wonder if Ethel is up yet? I’ll try. (Takes 
down receiver.) Central give me Hill 2441. 
(Pause.) That you, Ethel? Did I make you 
get up out of bed? Well, I’ve some fine news 


179 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


for you anyway. In the morning about ten 
o’clock the cashier where I bank will call up 
your mother and tell her that he is authorized to 
inform her that I have just one thousand and 
fifty dollars in the bank; so she is to get ready 
for that wedding. We’ll have it just two weeks 
from tonight, if you are willing. (Pause.) O, 
don t ask me to tell you over the phone, but just 
be patient till you see me. Good night. (Comes 
to F. C .) All is fair in love, they say. 

Curtain. 



180 






% 



181 















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



MR. THORPE’S CONVERSION. 

A Farce in One Act. 

(For Four Women and One Man.) 


Characters. 


A Maid. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

The Next Neighbor. 

Georgiana Lacey, a suffragette. 



183 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


f 


Costumes —Ordinary suits. Georgiana Lacey 
dresses very plainly , must be large , masculine¬ 
looking woman. Mrs. Thorpe and Neighbor on 
entrance wear hats and wraps. 


Scene — Interior , small table , or stand up stage , 
telephone on stand , chairs at F. C. 



184 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


MR. THORPE’S CONVERSION 

Maid. 

( Entering , carrying a postal card.) 

A card for the missus. My! what scratchy 
writing; looks jest like a man’s, but they wouldn’t 
no man be writin’ to her, leastways not long, 
’case she thinks her own old man is jest the ticket. 
Guess I’ll see what it says jest for fun. Oh, 
there’s someone cornin’; must be the missus and 
the next door lady cornin’ back from the movies. 
I’ll beat it! ( Lays card on table and runs out 
L. as Mrs. Thorpe and the next door neighbor 
enter R .) 

Neighbor. 

Well, that was a pretty good show, don’t you 
think. 

185 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Thorpe. 

(.Removing hat and wrap.) 

Oh, pretty good, but I don’t like plays or 
movies about jealousy; you either trust people or 
you don’t, and it always seems so foolish. But 
take off your things and sit down. 

Neighbor. 

No, I mustn’t stay. But suppose you don’t 
trust them, then what? 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

I’d make sure and then I’d quit. 

Neighbor. 

Weren’t you ever jealous? 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

Never. I have no idea what the feeling is like 

Neighbor. 

How about your husband? 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

Oh, he’d be jealous if he had a chance, at least, 

so he says, but, you see, I’ve always been careful 

186 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


not to give him a chance. (As Neighbor turns 
to go.) But why must you hurry? Mr. Thorpe 
will not be at home until the midnight train. 

Neighbor. 

Oh, I must go, I have a lot of things to do 
before dinner, but you come home with me. 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

I’m afraid I’ll hinder you, if you’re to be so 
busy. 

Neighbor. 

Not a bit of it; I’ll work faster if I have 
company. (. Exeunt R .) 

('Telephone rings; Maid enters L., answers 
phone , stating that Mr. Thorpe is in New York 
and will be at home on the twelve o'clock train, 
then exits L.) 

Mr. Thorpe. 

(Entering R., crossing over and going up.) 

No one at home; wonder where Fannie is? 

187 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Well, she doesn’t expect me until late tonight. 
I was lucky to get my business done so soon. Oh, 
here’s a postal card; must be for me, for that’s a 
man’s writing, and I never knew Fannie to have 
a man correspondent. {Reads.) “Dear F.” 
Well, pretty familiar to start with. “Couldn’t 
get the auto today, but will have it tomorrow; 
be there with it at five o’clock.—Yours, G. L.” 
G. L.! That stands for George Lewis, all right, 
and the auto is a dead give-away. Of course that 
means that fine new car he’s just bought. This 
was written yesterday (Looks at watch.) That 
means he is due here in about fifteen minutes. 
That suits me to a dot. Looks as if I’m to have 
the chance to interview him myself! 

Maid. 

(Enters L.; he slips card into his pocket.) 

O, Mr. Thorpe, how you scairt me! I didn’t 

188 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


know you was home; thought you wasn’t coming 
till to-night. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Where is Mrs. Thorpe*? 

Maid. 

She’s next door; shall I go after her? 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Don’t be in a hurry, Jane, I want to speak to 
you. You’re a very good girl, Jane. (Takes a 
roll of bills from his pocket .) And I would like, 
very much indeed, to make you a little present. 
Maid. 

(Sharply.) 

I don’t want any of your little presents, so 
please keep them to yourself. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Well, now, don’t be offended where no offense 

was intended. I just want to ask a little favor 
189 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


of you, and as you have always been such a good 
girl and have done many little kindnesses for 
Mrs. Thorpe, I just thought you deserved a little 
extra pay, that’s all. 

Maid. 

I’ll do the favor for you, sir, but I don’t want 
any pay for it, so put up your money and be 
quick about it. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Well, then, tell me this, who are the most fre¬ 
quent visitors at this house when I am away*? 

Maid. 

O well, I think Mrs. Jones comes the oftenest 
of any one. Mrs. Bins comes quite often, too, 
and Mrs. Blake and— 

Mr. Thorpe. 

( Interrupting .) 

But among my friends whom do you remember 
seeing? 


190 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Maid. 

[Surprised.) 

Your friends*? Why, indeed, sir, I don’t re¬ 
member of any of your friends ever coming to 
see Mrs. Thorpe; why should they? 

Mr. Thorpe. 

(Embarrassed.) 

Oh, they might come to—er—call, you know. 
There’s Mr. Lewis, now, you know him don’t 
you? 

Maid. 

O, yes, sir, I know him, but I’ve never seen 
him here ’cept of an evening with his wife and 
when you’s at home, sir, too. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Well, that is all. You are sure you’ve named 
all of my wife’s intimate friends. 


191 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Maid. 

( Reflecting.) 

Why, yes, I think so, sir. Oh, there’s Miss 
Georgiana Lacey; she’s here pretty often. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Lacey! Why that is someone I never heard 
of before. 

Maid. 

{Laughing.) 

Well, she’s funny enough, awful homely; she 
has a funny form and funny ways; she’s just like 
a man with a woman’s toggery on, and she has 
fire red hair. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Red hair, are you sure? Another coincidence. 
{Aside.) 

Maid. 

Sure, of course I’m sure; but it ain’t no kinci- 

dence, it’s just plain red hair, but then she does 

192 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


look just like a man dressed up in women’s 
clothes. Wouldn’t it be funny if she is? 

Mr. Thorpe. 

So it would; we must watch her. 

Maid. 

So we will if she comes again. (Exit R.) 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Can it be possible the girl has blundered into 
the truth? I almost begin to fear it, for Lewis 
is a small man and in woman’s clothes he would 
look very like an overgrown female. But really, 
I think I will carry this card out and put it in 
the mail box; I don’t want Fannie to know that 
I have seen it. (Exit R . Returns in a moment .) 
There, I have disposed of that, and also have 
discovered that the maid is gone after my wife. 
Too bad, I wanted to see the reputed Miss Lacey 
alone. 


193 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Thorpe. 

(Entering R. carrying postal card.) 

So glad you are at home, my dear, but aren’t 
you going out again? I expect a caller; aren’t 
you afraid of being in the way? I’m afraid you’ll 
find it rather pokey. ( Bell rings.) There she is 
now, I’m sure. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Well, I’ll be conspicuous by my absence. 
(Exits L.) 

Maid. 

(Entering L.) 

Shan’t I go to the door, Mrs. Thorpe? 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

No, don’t bother; I’d rather go myself, this 
time. (Exit R .) 

Maid. 

(Jumping up and down and clapping her hands.) 

Oh, wouldn’t it be funny if that woman is a 
194 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


man, my, it’s just like a story! If Mr. Thorpe 
comes in, Oh, won’t that he great? Hoo, they’re 
coming. (Runs out L. Mrs. Thorpe and Miss 
Lacey enter R.; they sit with backs to L. entrance. 
Mr. Thorpe enters L, remains in background 
watching his wife and Miss Lacey during their 
conversation. Maid sneaks in and joins him. 
Mr. Thorpe motions toward Miss Lacey, shows 
maid in pantomime that he is opposed to Miss 
Lacey and means her harm; Maid appreciates his 
feeling and helps with the pantomime .) 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

O my dear, I am so glad you have come; now 
we can have a lovely, long, uninterrupted hour 
together, if you can stay so long. 

Miss Lacey. 

[Opening bundle and taking out book which she 
hands to Mrs. Thorpe.) 

You know how gladly I would stay even longer 
195 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


than that with you if I could, you have been so 
dear and good to me. 

(Mr. Thorpe rushes upon Miss Lacey, grasps 
her from behind , clasps her face close against his 
vest and pounds her on the back; Mrs. Thorpe 
screams; Maid claps hands.) 

Maid. 

Give it to him, give it to him, Mr. Thorpe; I 
knew it all along! I did, I did! T11 go tele¬ 
phone for the hurry-up wagon. (Runs up stage.) 
Mrs. Thorpe. 

What do you mean, Jane, by talking that way? 
Don’t you dare touch that telephone! (Runs to 
her husband and throws herself on his right arm.) 
O, Harry, Harry, do stop; you will kill the poor 
woman! 

Mr. Thorpe. 

(Loosens his hold on Miss Lacey, who straightens 
up and confronts him.) 

O, O—why—why—it isn’t after all; what an 

196 






































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


enormous fool I have been. (Turns away and 
drops his head,) 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

O Harry, how could you so far forget yourself’? 
What can you possibly have against Miss Lacey? 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Against Miss Lacey, who said I had anything 
against Miss Lacey? 

Miss Lacey. 

Well, you certainly had Miss Lacey against 
you, but you may well believe this isn’t the last 
of it! 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

But, O Harry, do explain yourself, if you can. 
I knew you were opposed to woman suffrage-- 

Mr. Thorpe. 

(Grasping at a straw,) 

If you knew I was opposed to it what are you 
meddling with it for? 


198 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Thorpe. 

How could I ever think that you would carry 
things so far as this? Of course I know I was 
wrong to deceive you. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

[Angrily.) 

Then why have you done it? 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

Because you weren’t willing for me to join 
the society and they are all such lovely ladies, and 

Miss Lacey is the best of all when you come to 
know her. [Sobs.) 

Mr. Thorpe. 

I have been seventeen different kinds of a 
fool, but I do hope Miss Lacey, you will forgive 
me, I owe you a thousand apologies. 

Miss Lacey. 

You’ll find you owe me something more than 

that; I suppose you are aware that I have a clear 

case against you for assault and battery. And 
199 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


now, Mrs. Thorpe, if you will return to me the 
autobiography of Jane Elinor Simpson, I will 
leave you. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Autobiography! Great Caesar’s ghost! Is that 
as near as you can come to an automobile 1 ? 

Miss Lacey. 

What are you talking about? I have been 
thinking ever since you came into the room, Mr. 
Thorpe, that you are a fit subject for a lunatic 
asylum, and now that you’re talking about an 
automobile, I feel more sure of it than ever. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

I begin to agree with you, Miss Lacey; I really 
think I have temporarily taken leave of my 
senses. 

Miss Lacey. 

Oh, you needn’t try to play the insanity dodge; 

I shall send an officer to arrest you before I sleep. 

200 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Thorpe. 

Really, Miss Lacey, there is nothing that I can 
say to excuse my conduct. I can only urge as 
my defense that I was laboring under the most 
foolish mistake I ever made in all my life. 

Miss Lacey. 

I am sure I am not in a position to judge how 
foolish it was, but when you have to pay a big 
bill for damages, which the courts will give me, 
I think you will find it was a most serious mis¬ 
take, although I shouldn’t be surprised if it is 
not the only one you have ever made. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

Well, Miss Lacey, let us come to some settle¬ 
ment; what’s the use of giving money to the 
lawyers in court, when we can just as well settle 
this ourselves. (Takes out check book and foun¬ 
tain pen, writes check.) 

201 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Miss Lacey. 

(Coldly.) 

I’m not to he bought, sir! 

Mr. Thorpe. 

I know that well, but supposing the courts give 
you a hundred dollars damage and I pay another 
hundred in fees and cost, isn’t it wiser to give it 
all to you at once? (Hands check.) 

Miss Lacey. 

(Mollified.) 

I suppose it is, Mr. Thorpe. 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

And, O Harry, I do want that autobiography, 
it only costs two dollars. 

Mr. Thorpe. 

My dear, you shall have it, and anything else 
you want. 

Mrs. Thorpe. 

O. Harry, I’m sure you have made full amends, 

but you haven’t yet said that you forgive me. 

202 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mr. Thorpe. 

[Putting his arm about her.) 

It is you who must forgive me. I have acted 
like a brute and an idiot, but henceforth you may 
attend the woman suffrage meetings whenever 
you please, and I will ask Miss Lacey to see that 
you are made a life member of the society. 

Miss Lacey. 

(Offering her hand.) 

O sir, how can I thank you enough? 

Mr. Thorpe. 

By forgetting the whole affair as quickly as 
possible. 

Miss Lacey. 

That I will do with pleasure. (They move to - 
ward R. exit.) 


203 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Maid. 

[Coming to F. C.) 

So he wasn’t a man, after all; what a stupid, 
tiresome lot they are, anyway! 

Curtain. 



204 

























DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



SOME DIFFERENCES OF OPINION 
(A Rhymed Dialogue for Four Women, One 


Girl and One Boy.) 
Characters. 


First Neighbor. 
Second Neighbor. 
Peter’s Teacher. 

His Boy Playmate. 
His Girl Playmate. 
His Mother. 



207 







DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Costumes — Ordinary suits . 


Scene — Lawn in front of suburban home , 
bench at F. C. 


208 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


SOME DIFFERENCES OF OPINION 

First Neighbor and Second Neighbor dis¬ 
covered seated on bench, Peter’s Mother in 
background, unseen by other actors. 

First Neighbor. 

[Motioning off right.) 

There goes that dreadful Peter boy, 

Such awful things he’ll do, 

Torments the dog and kicks the cat, 

Digs up our flowers too. 

Second Neighbor. 

Why, Peter is a lovely lad, 

With manners fine as silk, 

He often stops to chat with me 

And looks as mild as milk. 

209 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


I'm sure he wouldn’t hurt a fly, 

He is so sweet and kind, 

Indeed, a better boy than he 
I never hope to find. 

First Neighbor. 

How queer! we often think we’ll not 
Live near him one more day, 

If we could only sell our home, 

You’d see us move away. 

Second Neighbor. 

I see his teacher down the street ( looking off), 
And when she comes quite near 
I'll ask her what she thinks of him, 

The truth we then shall hear. 

(Teacher enters R., crossing lawn; as she 
comes near First Neighbor, the latter rises and 
speaks.) 


210 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


First Neighbor. 

For the great liberty I take, 

I trust I’ll pardoned be, 

We’ve been discussing Peter boy 
And do not quite agree. 

So your opinion free, to get, 

I now appeal to you. 

I know whatever you may say 
It surely will be true. 

Teacher. 

Just what is Peter like, you ask, 
Now that is hard to tell, 

He’s full of mischief all the while, 
And yet, he studies well. 

Sometimes stern discipline he needs, 
And yet, I’ll tell you this, 

211 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


At other times I’d give a lot, 

His rosy cheek to kiss. 

He’s not the worst boy in the world, 
Perhaps he’s not the best, 

But when I see him, I am glad , 

So you can guess the rest. 

(Bows and exits L. A boy runs in R .) 

First Neighbor. 

But let me interview this boy, 

Do you know Peter well 1 ? (Boy nods.) 
Then what you really think of him, 

I wish that you would tell. 

Boy. 

Huh! Peter’s just as mean as dirt, 

He licked me yesterday, 

Some day I’ll get right after him, 

And make him run away. 

212 











At Other Times Td Give a Lot, His 

Rosy Cheek to Kiss 

















DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


My mother says he is not fit 
To ’sociate with me, 

So I will keep away from him, 

Till I am bigger, see? 

[Runs out L . Girl enters R .) 

Second Neighbor. 

Well that’s one playmate, here’s a girl, 
Now her I’d like to greet, 

Do you know Peter, little girl, 

Who lives upon our street? 

Girl. 

He lends me his new sled, 

And when I had the measles too, 

He sat by me and read. 

He always gives me half his gum 

And shows me how to do 

Those tough examples in the book 

I never can see through. 

214 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mother. 

(Comes forward aijd speaks .) 

Although such different tales are told, 
About this boy of nine, 

I think you’ll find that your dear boy 
Is much the same as mine. 

A mixture strange, yet, after all, 
Reflects his treatment too. 

And so the way that he behaves 
Must still depend on you. 

Curtain. 



215 


























































' 































■ 





















































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



THE CAPTAIN’S WIFE. 

(A Short Dialog for Three Women.) 
Characters. 

Mrs. A., B. and C. 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE CAPTAIN S WIFE 


Mrs. A. and Mrs. B. discovered at front center 
busy with fancy work. 

Mrs. A. 

Well, we had a good time at the luncheon 
yesterday, didn’t we? 

Mrs. B. 

Yes, I enjoyed it very much. 

Mrs. A. 

I wonder where Mrs. Walters found the cap¬ 
tain’s wife? 

Mrs. B. 

I don t know, I’m sure, but she was rather 

a pretty little thing, wasn’t she? 

218 






t 


219 









DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. A. 

Yes, and such lovely clothes. 

Mrs. B. 

I wanted to ask her the name of her dress¬ 
maker, but I didn’t dare to. 

Mrs. A. 

And where she bought her shoes. 

Mrs. B. 

They were such a lovely fit. 

Mrs. A. 

And her manners were so fine, too, didn’t you 
think? 

Mrs. B. 

Yes, and she talked so nicely, too. I wish I 
could remember to speak so beautifully all the 
while. 

Mrs. A. 

Maybe you could if you were a captain’s wife. 

220 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. B. 

Better say if I had talked so well, maybe I 
might have been a captain’s wife. 

Mrs. A. 

Yes, that’s more likely. Well, it’s nice to be 
so fine and proper about everything. 

Mrs. B. 

I suppose those are the women who marry cap¬ 
tains. 

Mrs. A. 

And not the common kind like us. 


Mrs. B. 

And of course, being a captain’s wife, she can 
afford to have all those fine clothes and shoes. 

Mrs. A. 

And can go into the very best society, and so 

pick up the very best manners and talk. 

221 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. B. 

Do you suppose all those things come from 
being a captain’s wife? 

Mrs. A. 

Of course they do, why shouldn’t they? 

Mrs. B. 

Well, I suppose we might be careful about the 
way we talk whether we are captains’ wives or 
not. 

Mrs. A. 

I do wonder if we could. 

Mrs. B. 

Let’s try from now on; we can stop saying 
ain’t and have went and I seen when we ought 
to say saw, and things like that. 

Mrs. A. 

I’d like to if I can only remember. 

222 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. B. 

Why not watch each other ? 

Mrs. A. 

So we can, that will be fun. (Knocking,) O, 
I wonder who that is? 

Mrs. C. 

(Entering and coming down.) 

O, it seems good to see you two here. (Sits.) 
Didn’t we have a good time yesterday at the 
luncheon? 

Mrs. A. 

Yes, indeed; we have been talking about it. 
We have been saying it was so fine to be a cap¬ 
tain’s wife and wear such fine clothes and talk 
so nice and everything. 

Mrs. C. 

Well, I think we can be just as much worth 

while if we’re not captains’ wives. 

223 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. A. 

We surely can’t have so much money for 
clothes. 


Mrs. C. 

But if we’re smart enough to make our own 
clothes we can look just as well. 


Mrs. B. 

Oh no, indeed, that ain’t, I mean isn’t so. I 
tell you it’s all in being the captain’s wife. 

Mrs. C. 

What do you think that woman’s husband is 
captain of? 

Mrs. A. 

Why, of a company of soldiers, of course, with 
a splendid salary and a fine uniform to wear. 
My, wouldn’t Hike to have a husband who wore 

a swell uniform! I’d be somebody then. 

224 







We Can Look Just as Well 


























DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. C. 

Well, the lady we all met yesterday is the wife 
of the captain of a dinky little fire company in 
the suburbs, and he hasn’t as good a salary as 
either one of your husbands, or mine. 

Mrs. A. and Mrs. B. 

[Together.) 

What do you know about that"? 

Curtain. 



226 










I 






I 



The Shakespeare Class 


227 


i 





































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



THE SHAKESPEARE CLASS. 

(A Dialogue for Seven Women.) 
Characters. 

Mesdames Allen, Brown, Clark, Davis, Ellis, 
Ford, Greene. 



229 






DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



Sc e n e— In terior. 


Ordinary home costumes . 



230 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE SHAKESPEARE CLASS. 



All the characters are discovered seated in a 
circle near F. C., engaged in fancy work. 

Mrs. Allen. 

Girls, let’s join the Shakespeare class this 
winter. 

Mrs. Brown. 

Shakespeare class! Where? 

Mrs. Clark. 

Join the Shakespeare class! What for? 

Mrs. Allen. 

Why, to study Shakespeare, of course. They 
are talking of forming a class in our literary club, 

you know. Anyone can belong who has paid 

231 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


her membership dues to the club. They intend 

to have Mrs. - (local name) for a teacher. 

They say she is away up in Shakespeare. 

Mrs. Greene. 

Oh, that’s fine; I am just crazy about Shakes¬ 
peare. 

Mrs. Davis. 

Well, I don’t give a rap for him, but, I must 
confess, I don’t know anything about him. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Then you are just the one to join the Shakes¬ 
peare class, but you must have learned something 
about him in school. 

Mrs. Davis. 

Well, yes, I dimly remember something about 
a “Bare bodkin,” what is a bare bodkin, anyway? 
It was Shakespeare, I believe who wanted one. 

(All laugh.) 

232 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Davis. 

Now, what are you laughing at? Was it 
Shakespeare, or was it Bacon? 

Mrs. Ford. 

You are certainly a good subject for the Shakes¬ 
peare class, Mrs. Davis. 

Mrs. Greene. 

O, Mrs. Davis, you don’t know what you are 
missing not to care about Shakespeare. Out in 
California they build the dearest Shakespeare 
cottages and they make a kind of cake called 
“Shakespeare’s curls,” if we can get them 
we’ll serve them in the Shakespeare class, they 
are something like chocolate eclairs, only better. 

Mrs. Clark. 

Well, I’m a good deal like Mrs. Davis, I don’t 
know much about Shakespeare, but I’d like the 

Shakespeare curls to eat if they are as good as 

233 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


you say they are. I do know that Shakespeare 
pretended to write something which he didn’t, 
but he stole some other fellow’s good work and 
never gave him a bit of credit. 

Mrs. Greene. 

O, Mrs. Clark, you are all wrong, you’ll learn 
better than that when you join the Shakespeare 
class. 

Mrs. Clark. 

Wouldn’t it be fine to make up some kind of 
waists and call them Shakespeare waists, then 
we’d all wear them to the Shakespeare class. 

Mrs. Greene. 

How ridiculous. 

Mrs. Brown. 

Did you ever belong to a Shakespeare class, 
Mrs. Allen 4 ? 


234 















































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Allen. 

No, but my mother was a professional elocu¬ 
tionist, and she used to spout Shakespeare all 
over the house, so I learned a good deal about 
him in that way. I can just hear her now saying, 
“Oh, I have passed a miserable night.” 

Mrs. Davis. 

What was the matter with her? Why didn’t 
she take a narcotic? 

Mrs. Allen. 

O, that was what one of the great characters 
said, Hamlet, I think. 

Mrs. Ford. 

Wasn’t it someone in King Richard? 

Mrs. Allen. 

Oh, maybe it was, I don’t pretend to be very 

sure about Shakespeare, anyway. 

236 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Brown. 

But I still don’t see why we should join the 
Shakespeare class. 

Mrs. Greene. 

O, Mrs. Brown, you’ll take that back when 
you are in it. There’s one play called, “The 
Storm,” which is just like a fairy tale. 

Mrs. Allen. 

The Storm! Why, I’ve never heard of a play 
by that title, and at one time, I knew the titles 
of all the plays. 

Mrs. Ford. 

I think Mrs. Greene means “The Tempest.” 

Mrs. Allen. 

That’s right, that sounds familiar. 

Mrs. Ford. 

That is a most beautiful play and, as it is said 
to be the last one he wrote, it certainly ought 
to be the best. 


237 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Allen. 

O, well, if we join the class we’ll all learn 
a lot about a good many things, I suppose, for 
Shakespeare was a great man, I have heard my 
mother say that to be perfectly familiar with 
Shakespeare was as good as going to college. 

Mrs. Clark. 

If I thought we’d have as much fun as girls 
do at college I’d join right away. 

Mrs. Davis. 

So would I, for college girls do have the 
biggest times! My husband’s sister visited me 
this summer and she said that all she went to 
college for was to have fun and make friends 
with the girls and boys. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

I daresay we’d have good times, because we 

always do when we get together, but I’d like 

238 




/ 










DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 

to learn about Shakespeare too. I’ve read some 
of his plays and the more I read the better I 
like them. 

Mrs. Davis. 

That reminds me of a play I just had to 
read when I was in high school. It was called 
“Do as you please,” and it had— 

Mrs. Allen. 

{Interrupting.) 

O, Mrs. Davis, that surely wasn’t the title, 
that doesn t sound like Shakespeare at all. 

Mrs. Davis. 

Well, that was it, anyway, whether it sounds 
like him or not. It was all about a girl who 
dressed up like a man and wandered around in 
the woods after a fellow. I thought she ought to 
have been ashamed of herself. 

'240 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Ford. 

You must mean Rosalind, in “As You Like 

It?” 

Mrs. Davis. 

Yes, her name was Rosalind, I remember, now, 
and maybe the play was “As You Like It,” and 
anyway, they did just as they pleased, all of 
them. 

Mrs. Greene. 

But don’t all of Shakespeare’s characters do 
just as they please? 

Mrs. Ford. 

No, indeed, they are subject to the limitations 
of circumstances, just as ordinary human beings 
are. 

Mrs. Greene. 

Well, there’s one fellow, I remember, who went 

stampeding about, scaring everybody to death 

241 




DENTON'S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


and having his own way about everything, Ham¬ 
let wasn’t it? 

Mrs. Ford. 

I don t know just whom you have in mind, 
but Fm positive it wasn’t Hamlet. 

Mrs. Greene. 

Well, it was someone, I know that. 

Mrs. Clark. 

No, I m certain you are wrong, Shakespeare has 
no such character, I know, because when I was 
a girl I had a beau who was a Shakespeare crank. 
There was a great actor who came to our town 
and gave us ten days of Shakespeare. We went 
every night, and I went to the matinees, and I 
never saw any character like the one you describe. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

What a rare privilege you enjoyed; do tell us 
about it. 


242 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Clark. 

Oh, I can’t remember anything of it, hardly. 
I know one play had a lot of witches in it and 
there were ghosts in some of them and murders 
too. O my; it was awful! 

Mrs. Davis. 

Yes, I think I saw one once where a man 
made his wife go and murder another man. It 
was awful and I know everybody raved over it 
and told how wonderful Shakespeare was. 

Mrs. Greene. 

Oh, I know that play. That was the merchant 
of some place or other. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

You mean “The Merchant of Venice,” but the 
play Mrs. Clark is trying to tell us about is 

Macbeth, an entirely different kind of play. 

243 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Ford. 

But, Mrs. Davis, if you join the Shakespeare 
class and study the plays with a good teacher 
you wdl see things about them that you never 
dreamed of before. 

Mrs. Davis. 

Well, maybe I would, but I’m afraid it’s too 
much trouble for me. I think I’d rather see 
Mary Pickford in the Sealed Letter. 

Mrs. Allen. 

Well, my mother used to recite something about 
a woman whose hands were all blood and she 
couldn’t get them clean. I tell you it just made 
you think you’d never do anything bad because 
you couldn’t undo it. 

Mrs. Ford. 

Yes, that was Lady Macbeth, who tried to 

wash her hands white after she had murdered the 

244 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


king. There isn’t in the whole world a finer 
picture of remorse. 

Mrs. Davis. 

Well, I don’t mean ever to do anything bad, 
so I don’t need to see that play. 

Mrs. Clark. 

I tell you, Mrs. Davis, the day that the rest 
go to the Shakespeare class, we’ll go to the 
“Movies,” then we’ll come to the Needle work 
class and we’ll all give our experiences. If we 
find they are getting more out of the afternoon 
than we are, we’ll join them. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

All right, then, we are sure to get you, sooner 
or later. But my watch says five o’clock, so we 
must postpone this discussion. 

(Rises and folds up work.) 

245 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Mrs. Allen. 

Yes, our Shakespeare talk did one thing, it 
made the time fly faster than usual. 

[Repeats business.) 

Mrs. Davis. 

Yes, and it convinced us too that the most of 
us know as much about Shakespeare as we do 
about Greek. 

Mrs. Ellis. 

Which proves that the Shakespeare class should 
be organized immediately. 

Mrs. Clark. 

Well, anyway, if they make those Shakespeare 
waists, Fm going to have one. 

Curtain. 


246 






# 










♦ 











(The Charm) 


\ 








247 

































. . 





































































































































































■ • 




































































DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 



THE CHARM. 

A Rhymed Dialog for Two Women. 



249 





DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


THE CHARM 


First Speaker. 

So much to do, so much to do, 
And nothing ever done, 

The hours drag their tireless length 
From weary sun to sun. 

You look so quiet and serene, 
Have you some magic all unseen? 

Second Speaker. 

Yes I’ve a charm, a potent one, 

It may seem small to you, 

But hurry, worry, toil and care 
It safely bears me through. 

First Speaker. 

Tell it to me without delay, 

If it will drive my cares away. 

250 




DENTON’S BEST PLAYS AND DIALOGUES 


Second Speaker. 

Just do the nearest thing, that’s all, 

Only the nearest thing, 

Although, perhaps, ’tis but to aid 
An insect’s broken wing. 

Yes, do the nearest thing, that’s all, 

And do it with a smile, 

When you have well this lesson learned, 
You’ve found life’s key the while. 

First Speaker. 

The nearest thing and that just now, 

I see must be for me 
To hurry home and straight prepare 
My busy husband’s tea. 

Curtain. 



251 




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